Sunday, December 31, 2006
Hunters, Make Love to a Woman as a Woman Wants It
Let me preface this by saying that I suffer no delusions that a few more paragraphs detailing what women want in bed is going to change male habits for womankind. Even the sex manuals' explicit diagrams haven't taught men how to gently massage her hot spot. The overwhelming evidence that women crave caressing, romance, passion, sensitivity, and strength in bed hasn't changed the often rabbitlike habits of the American male. The reports are in. The cry is out. Men need more help. More drastic measures are called for. If, after carefully reading books like How to Make Love to a Woman and How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time, the average American male is still thrusting away for twelve minutes or less, he needs more help. Here it is. The One-Hour Lesson That Will Change Your Life A picture is worth a thousand words. A moving picture is worth a thousand still pictures. Men, do your math. The hour-long experience I'm about to suggest will be worth a million words to you. The human brain can quickly forget what it reads, but a moving picture, a video, takes a much longer time to slip out of your memory bank. If the film is hot enough, the images may blaze in your brain forever. Gentlemen, if you want to become a better lover, you have a unique advantage over your grandfathers, fathers, and even your older brothers. There is a new strain of womankind out there, and she is making her own moving pictures. If books haven't educated you, female porn will sock it to you! Fem-porn shows the world what's what in female erotica. Unlike male porn, women's films show you how a woman likes to be kissed and how she likes to be caressed, talked to, and made love to. What are the films like? You might call most of them romantic soft-X porn, but they're not soft because of censorship. There are no oppressive laws, no uptight prudishness, no interior repression. The female directors hold nothing back. Romantic soft-X is the way a woman likes it, in her movies, and from you. Some of the films are good. Some are mediocre. Some are downright dumb. But they all contain elements women can relate to. Women's sex movies, in contrast to men's, are more complicated. In place of raw sex, there is steamy sensuality. The films show an emotional connection between the partners, and affection. Closeups on faces reflect the partners' feelings. (Take notes, gentlemen: You can turn a woman on during sex by your facial expressions.) Importantly, you can see where to touch a woman and how she likes to be caressed. What you'll view is a far cry from the misinformation you get from men's pornography. Recently, in reviewing some male porn for this book, I had to laugh. A male porn star, obviously smug about the pleasure he thought he was giving his partner, was vigorously grinding the poor girl's clitoris back into her body with his middle knuckle. Luckily, for her, he was missing his mark by a quarter of an inch, or her pain would have been excruciating. Gen- tlemen, the benefits of viewing women's porn don't stop at geography. You'll pick up other practical hints, like suave ways to slip on your condom. Ask for work by directors such as Candida Royalle, Gloria Leonard, and Deborah Shames, to mention only a few of the prominent women filmmakers. Here's a preview of coming distractions. In Candida Royalle's films, you'll master techniques on how to touch and caress a woman. In Gloria Leonard's, you'll find that humor and sex mingle. In Deborah Shames's films, you'll learn more about creating just the right atmosphere to make your Quarry fall in love with you. From all of these women's films you'll learn that humor, romance, a buildup of tension, and strong, slow hands are what work with women. You'll learn how your Quarry really likes you to give it to her between the sheets—or on the dining room table, or in the elevator, or on the beach. In one vignette, for example, you'll see a woman emerging from a bubble bath with a bored expression on her face because she must attend a gala charity ball. She reaches into her lingerie drawer to pull out a white lace teddy. Just as she is tying the tiny satin bow, protective arms encircle her from the rear. She feels a tender kiss pressing on the back of her neck. Sure hands delicately untie the little pink ribbon, her teddy drops to the floor, and the silent stranger lovingly traces a pattern around her nipple with his strong, sensitive pinkie. At this point, gentlemen, you may be tempted to fast forward to the "good part." Don't, because the beginning of the film which establishes the locale, the story line, and the character development—much of this is the good part for women. Many women tie sex tightly to love, and they become fully aroused only when they feel deep affection or respect for their partner. That, too, is clear in many of the female sex films. My male buddies sometimes complain, "Why can't women forget this romance thing during sex and get down to the nitty-gritty?" Well, gentlemen, the nitty-gritty for her is love, or at Page 246 least a relationship. Loving you makes her hotter. Your loving her makes her hotter still. All the studies prove that women do indeed like more romance. In a typical study, a psychologist at Louisiana State University read men and women the same erotic story. Afterward the subjects were questioned. Men remembered the hot action part where the woman "clawed at her partner's back and wrapped her legs around him," whereas women remembered as the hot parts of the story scenes in which "they looked deeply into one another's eyes." In men's porn, everyone's stacked, everyone's eager, and everyone comes. In fem-porn, everyone is loving, everyone is sensitive, and everyone is passionate. By watching sex films directed by women, you'll finally get it. You'll see with your own eyes how to make love to a woman the way she likes it. Hunters, if the written word has failed—if just reading make it last has not driven the point home—try fem-porn. Watching the extended cinematic buildup to the sex might just do the trick. It will slow down your foreplay and build up your technique. TECHNIQUE #73 (FOR HUNTERS): LEARN STEAMY SENSUALITY FROM LADY PORN Hunters, there's a new breed of woman out there, and she's letting the world know what's hot—and what's not—for her between the sheets. To drive your Quarry wild in bed, trash your men's triple-X movies. You won't learn anything from those but misinformation you already have. Pop some films by female artistes in your VCR . Then take copious notes. Gentlemen, if your good buddy runs the video store and you think he'd laugh if you asked for sissy titles like Christine's Secret or A Taste of Ambrosia, the next best thing to do is order by mail. Several "Better Sex Videos" are very well done—more clinical—but also present material through a soft female lens. Another Crash Course in Steamy Sensuality for Men Gentlemen, if you don't have a VCR , all is not lost. Another graphic crash course in turning a woman on is found not in sex manuals, not in how-to books, but in hot novels, female style. Do you know twenty-five million readers regularly buy romance novels? The most renowned are published by Harlequin. If you think only dimwitted women get off on the Harlequin-type fantasies, you're wrong. The majority of romance readers are college-educated and earn an average of $40,000 per year. Each month, 150 new titles roll off the presses filled with hunks like the strong silent stranger, the tycoon who flips his priorities when he meets the love of his life, and even Mr. Mom. Hunters, go to your local bookstore. Mumble to the bookstore salesclerk something about, uh, you're buying this for your, um, er, sister. Then settle down for an hour or so of very educational reading. Here's just a taste of what you'll find in one Harlequin romance novel. 47 The heroine is Emma, a celebrity author who must stay in an isolated beach house to collaborate on a screenplay with "talented sexy-as-sin Sam Cooper." After much avoidance of Sam, Emma decides to have sex with him, but no involvement. Emma is ready, but Sam says, "I'm not a barnyard animal! I don't perform on command. . . . Let's . . . let's talk." Emma says, "Look. The smartest thing you ever said was, 'it's just sex. Let's get it out of our systems and get on with it.' Now, what are you saying?" "I'm saying let's take it slowly. Let nature take its course. . . ." "Why?" Her voice tightened. "It's . . . it's more romantic." She gave an angry snort. "Who's talking about romance?" "I am. I mean, this is not just about sex." "Then what is it about? You said that it was just a physical attraction and if we slept together it would go away. So let's just sleep together." "It's not just a physical attraction. Not for me." His voice softened with a deeper, meaningful note. "I feel something for you. I think I'm falling in love." Hunters, do you pick up that handsome, masculine, sexy Sam is mouthing the sentiments that women traditionally feel? He wants to talk, he wants it more romantic, and he thinks he's falling in love. Emma, afraid of her emotions, tries to escape. Desperate, she turned and bolted out the open sliding door onto the deck. A dark gray curtain of rain slammed into her, drenching her instantly as she leaped toward the railing, intending to swing over and drop into the shallow water where waves crashed and foamed on the shingle four feet below. Strong hands grabbed her by the waist, hauled her back down and turned her around. "For God's sake, you've got this all wrong!" he yelled above the roar of the wind and the waves, the rain running down her face. She struggled in his grip. "Let me go," she sobbed. . . . "You don't want me, you've made that very clear." She didn't know if she made any sense, didn't care as she thrashed wildly in his arms. "Does this look like I don't want you?" Sam pulled her close, trapping her against his strong body to stop her moving, and then his hot mouth was on hers, kissing her hard and recklessly. . . "You're a crazy woman," he moaned. "You make me crazy. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know myself anymore." He punctuated every breathless word with mad, feverish kisses. "There's only one thing I know for sure. If I don't have you, if I don't make love to you right now, I'm going to die.'' Hunters, read between the lines and find all the elements. For example, even in these few paragraphs there is the drama of the encounter, the exotic beach setting, and the heightened emotion of both partners. Above all, there is Sam—Sam, the tender man who needs her, who loves her. Sam, the strong, the gentle, the passionate. But Sam's passion was not for sex, it was for her. Now, to the actual sex. When we last left Emma and Sam, they were struggling in the pounding rain with the sound of the waves crashing up against the beach house. They're still there, but by now Sam has "dragged off her clothing, leaving them both naked to the pounding rain, their sighs and moans washed away in the heavy curtain of rain." On the crest of the wave she raised her head. The light from the cabin bronzed his wet skin, sculpting his face into powerful planes and inky shadows. She stared into the startling blue of his blazing eyes, saw the thick, dark lashes clumped together with rain. And then it was upon her, overtaking her. Her head fell back as release shuddered through her, wave upon wave rolling over her, tearing wordless cries and moans from her throat. His hot mouth was on her neck and he jerked wildly, his arms tightening convulsively as he emptied himself into her for one glorious eternity. Suddenly everything stilled. There was only the insistent rush of the waves and the rain drumming on the deck, on the water below and splashing off their bodies. Slowly Emma raised her head and saw his closed eyes, the expression between pain and ecstasy as he crooned softly, "My darling girl," running his hands down her back, enveloping her in a warmth that was more than just physical. "I want to hold you forever." Gentlemen, did you notice? During the sex, Sam's feelings, Sam's expressions, and Sam's cries (even Sam's eyelashes!) came crashing into Emma's consciousness through the pounding rain. After the "one glorious eternity" there was the "warmth that was more than just physical" and the promise of the future: "I want to hold you forever." TECHNIQUE #74 (FOR HUNTERS): READ A HARLEQUIN ROMANCE Yes, Hunters, I'm serious. You may chuckle, guffaw, gag, roll your eyes, or double up on the floor choking with laughter, but twenty-five million females can't be faking that they like this stuff. Try it. You may not like it. However, you'll love her reaction when you try some of the techniques that Raphael, Beau, Felipe, Rigg, Sky, Dunstan, Tuck, Kael, Cagney, and other exotic Harlequin Hunters use to trap their Quarry. Very steamy stuff to a woman. Corny? Perhaps. But certainly no more unrealistic or wishful thinking than the hot animalistic females who cavort through male porn films begging men to be allowed to do them. Hunters, memorize a few of the phrases and study the choreography of the moves. Perhaps you think your Quarry is the type of woman who wouldn't be caught dead with a Harlequin romance novel in her briefcase, but no matter how sophisticated or emancipated she may be, lines from the novels work wonders. Hearing "I need you, I want you, I love you" above the roar of the wind and the waves strikes a primitive pre-lib chord in practically every female heart.