Forget the Golden Rule Between the Sheets

The Golden Rule tells us, "Do unto others that which you would have done unto you." Good advice with your coworkers nine-to-five daytime and with your friends five-to-nine in the evening. But after you bring in the dog, put out the cat, switch off the lights, and hop into bed with your lover—forget it! The Golden Rule causes big problems in sex. All too often a man has sex with a woman the way a man likes it (sometimes too crude, too quick, too unromantic) and a woman makes love to a man the way a woman wants it (sometimes too slow, too romantic, too emotional). Once you're under the covers with the opposite sex, discard the Golden Rule like a dirty Kleenex. To sexually enrapture and capture your Quarry, a woman should have sex with a man the way a man wants it. A man should make love to a woman the way a woman wants it. We've all read that men like it hot and sexy and women like it more passionate and loving. Why, then, the minute the lights go out, do we instinctively fall back on the Golden Rule? Why do we insist on doing unto the other what we most want done unto us—instead of giving our Quarry what he or she wants? Obviously, reading sex manuals and popular books that highlight, emphasize, and underscore our differences hasn't done the trick. Men continue turning women off with their unromantic triple-X approaches. And women continue exasperating or boring men with their soft G needs. Here's help. Men in Lust, Women in Love Hunters, the last time you crooned the favorite male refrain, "Was it good for you too, honey," she probably murmured, "Ummm, it was great." But did she mean it? She might have been thinking, ''Sure, all five minutes of it," or worse, "What a snore." Maybe she secretly wished you'd been noisier or quieter, pushed harder or softer, been rougher or more gentle, talked more or talked less. Maybe she hoped you'd touch her in the spot where it really feels good, not the spot where you think it makes her feel real good. She probably didn't tell you. Don't blame her. She knows you've got a lot of ego invested in sex, and she didn't want to hurt you. Furthermore, if she's like most women, she had a fantasy running through her mind to enhance her own pleasure while you were happily thrusting away. Perhaps you were the star of her concealed fantasy film. Then again, perhaps not. But even if she did have you cast in the lead role, in her imagination she probably had you thinking, saying, or doing something other than what you were thinking, saying, or doing. For generations women were cool to the idea of sexual fantasies. Then, suddenly, in the seventies and eighties, the subject warmed up and became very hot when author Nancy Friday published several sizzling books of women's fantasies. By the early 1990s, it was well accepted that women fantasized. Sexologists and mainstream sex education videos even endorsed fantasy and spelled out the different bedtime desires of men and women. They told us clearly that both sexes like it hot and loving, but men generally like it more hot than loving, while women like it hot and loving. Books were written detailing how to make love to a woman and explaining how different Ms. Venus was from Mr. Mars when they made terrestrial visits under the sheets. Did men read them? Yes. Did men heed them? No—at least not if you hear the same testimony I do. The women I've counseled and spent hours interviewing ask the same question: ''Why can't a man make love in a way that really satisfies me?" Many of these women are fed up with faking the Big 0. As we approach the second millennium, men have explored the surface of the moon, but the terrain of a woman's body still boggles them. Most men still don't know how to completely satisfy a woman sexually. Yet men want to be good in bed. They want to give pleasure to their partners. Satisfying their women is a matter of pride for men. Hunters of love, being a good lover is a big factor in making a woman fall for you. What's a man to do?