Chalk it up as yet another drop in the ever-expanding ocean of gender differences. You will not thrill a woman if, on your first date, you embark on an inquisition about her sexual fantasies. A woman would probably misinterpret your asking "What turns you on?" too early in your relationship. You would sound crude. Additionally, women are more private about their fantasies and do not feel the same need to share them. However, you still need the answer to the crucial question, "What turns you on?" The goal is the same, gentlemen, but the method of getting there is different. After you are into an intimate relationship with her, ask your Quarry (with caution) about previous relationships—what she liked, what she didn't like. Proceed slowly, and let her know your motivation. You are not being nosy. You are so thrilled with the pleasure she gives you that you want to reciprocate by giving her pleasure. Therefore, you'd like to know what she has enjoyed in the past. This opens the door for her to give you any guidance or directions if she wants to. If she prefers not to talk, however, don't press. Step softly, tread gently. If, from what she's willing to divulge, you can pick up some useful information on her sexual attitudes and preferences, you're ahead of the game. Keep in mind that your Quarry is excited by you as more of a total package. Her sexuality is not as specific. Your technique between the sheets is important but, for a woman, her interest in you runs deeper than that. All of your wonderful qualities and actions, in bed and out, add to her excitement over you. Gentlemen, whenever I ask a girlfriend what it is that sexually excites her about her current lover, I hear descriptive words like brilliant, sensitive, responsible, honest, and a myriad of other qualities that you think have nothing to do with what goes on under the sheets. Those qualities add to her excitement over you, even when the lights are out. Both Hunters and Huntresses can use another technique to net their prey. Hunters should pay special attention, because this advice is more potent for you. Uncover another kind of fantasy, a deeper one which involves your Quarry's psychosexual needs. Peel Back Her Layers and Lay Bare Her Deeper Fantasies Hunters, women, too, have hot sexual fantasies—intense sexual fantasies, recurring sexual fantasies. Gentlemen, if you manage to fulfill a woman's sexual fantasies, you've taken a big step toward making her love you. But you can take a greater leap into her heart, a more effective stride toward achieving your goal: Fulfill her relationship fantasies. As no two people have precisely the same sexual fantasies, so no two people have the same relationship fantasies. Another generalization, but just as men have more specific sexual desires, women have more specific relationship desires. I have a friend named Dana, a thirty-six-year-old, very attractive brunette who has a nightclub act. Her physical beauty outweighs her talent, but she manages to get booked in small cocktail lounges around the country. Dana feels her singing days are numbered, and she desperately wants to get married.Although she meets hundreds of men every year, she hasn't found her Prince Charming. I hadn't seen Dana in several years, but we recently found ourselves in the same town. She was performing at a small club near my hotel. I went to see her show and, after her act, we sat down to catch up on old times. I asked Dana how things had been going. "Lonely," she said. After all these years, she was still aching to meet Mr. Right. I asked, "Dana, you meet so many men, and I know a lot of them are crazy about you. What are you waiting for?" Dana said, "I'm waiting for the right man." "Who is the right man, Dana?" "Well, one who really loves me." she said. "I'm sure lots of men could love you. What do you mean?" I asked. "Well, love me the way I need to be loved." "How do you need to be loved?" That opened the floodgates. Dana spent the next two hours telling me her dream of how someday, in some club, he would be there. They would make eye contact while she was singing. He would just stare at her the entire time, never taking his eyes off her. After the show, he would invite her to his table. He would tell her she sings like an angel and listening to her was like hearing the voice of a siren that could drive him to destruction. The phrases, sings like an angel and siren that could drive him to destruction came up several times during Dana's melancholy monologue. These were obviously phrases that triggered a strong reaction in her. I began to realize that Dana's description of being loved was very specific, and quite unusual. For Dana, being loved was having a man adore her almost to the point of self-destruction because her singing voice was so entrancing. Dana was indeed beautiful, but her singing voice left something to be desired. To insist that a man love her primarily for her music was a tall order, but that's what she wanted. Dana and I explored further and it came out that, as a child, her mother used to tell her the story of the sirens, the singing sea nymphs who charmed sailors to their deaths. Dana told me she used to sing in the bathtub imagining that her toy ducks were drowning sailors spellbound by her beautiful voice. Strange? You bet. But, according to the testimonies I received at The Project, many women have an equally unusual twist to how they want to be loved. Hunters, you may have met beautiful, accomplished women—women who could have anybody—yet are still alone. They tell their friends, "the right man hasn't come along yet." For them, this statement is true because their definition of "the right man" is very specific. It is important for a woman to be loved in the way she needs to be loved. Recently I decided to add to The Project's research by asking my girlfriends how they envision being loved. I was stunned by the diversity of their answers. Another friend, Katharine, is forty-two years old and has never been married. She told me she wanted a man who would make her number one in his life, a man who would have no other people in his life who were more important to him. That included even past wives or current family members like children. Katharine told me she realized hers was a difficult request, because most men her age had beenmarried before and many had children. She told me she had broken up with her previous lover, Bill, because she felt he was too attached to his children by a previous marriage. Katharine knew her craving to be number one was unfair, irrational, but she couldn't let go of it. We talked more, and Katherine told me she had come from a turbulent, broken family. Katharine remembered one fearful moment standing in the living room, gripping her mother's hand. Her father was shouting at her mother as he walked out the door for the last time, "You are not the number one priority in my life anymore. Good-bye." While telling me this, Katharine put her hands over her ears as to shut out the horror of her father's words. Seeing how moved I was by her story, Katharine shared an embarrassing secret with me. She said, when she was dating Bill, she had an image of herself and Bill's two daughters by a pre-vious marriage on a sinking raft. In her nightmare, Bill would come racing out in a small boat to rescue them, but there was only room for one other person in the boat. Whom would he rescue? In fact, she told me she once blatantly proposed this question to Bill. He rightfully said, "Katharine, that's not a fair question. There are different kinds of love. You're the most important person to me in the woman category, but how can you compare that to love for my daughters?" Bill was right, of course, and Katharine knew it, but as ashamed as she was of her illogical need, it didn't go away. The fact that Bill wouldn't tell her she was number one was a big factor in her breaking up with him. Katharine is now very much in love with a man named Dan, but Dan is more astute than Bill. He knows enough to say, "Kathy, you're number one in my life." Those words are like sexual trigger words to Katharine. She is hoping Dan proposes to her. Some women's relationship fantasies are even more masochistic than Katharine's. Have you ever known a woman who always winds up with a bastard who treats her badly? This is such a common phenomenon that some men fear nice guys finish last. With those women, they do. Fortunate women are more realistic and have no strange twist on their relationship fantasies. They simply want a man who is loving, good, kind, and supportive, a good husband and father who will adore them, never look at another woman, and be faithful forever. (Come to think of it, how realistic is that relationship fantasy?) Love Her as She Needs to Be Loved Women are more demanding than men in the qualities their partner must have. The recurring cry "There are no good men out there" does not literally mean there are no good men out there. It means there is a shortage of men who fill that particular woman's definition of good. Hunters, keep in mind that definition is very subjective. Page 294 How close reality matches our relationship fantasies plays a big role in our lifetime happiness. One intriguing study explored how dating couples thought their partners loved them compared to how they wished their partners loved them. 54 Let's say John and Sue were a couple who participated in this study. From their questionnaires, three scores were calculated: how John felt about Sue; how Sue would like her ideal lover to feel about her; and how Sue thought John felt about her. When Sue believed that John loved her in the ideal way she wanted to be loved, she was happiest in the relationship. All the Johns and Sues were happiest when they felt their partners loved them in precisely the way they wanted to be loved. Hunters, to capture your Quarry's heart, it's not enough to just make her feel loved. Figure how she needs to be loved— to what degree, for what qualities. Make her feel loved in precisely the way she wants to be loved. You will beat out men who are stronger, handsomer, richer, and brighter than you. Love and being loved is that important to a woman. Magic Words to Make Her Love You Just as using the right words to feed a man's sexual fantasy is crucial, Hunters must use the right words to feed a woman's relationship fantasy. How do you find the right words? By asking, listening, and keeping your antennae always tuned. Pick up signals when she is talking about past lovers, about her relationship with her parents, and about what she likes or dislikes about her various friends. You might also need to find a way to cut to the core and excavate the kernel you need to plant the seeds of love. Ask your Quarry what love means to her. Choose a relaxed moment, perhaps over a dinner at a restaurant, and then, lightheartedly, tell her youwere reading a book about how everybody likes to be loved in different ways—how people have vastly different ideas of what a relationship should be. Simply ask her, ''If someone fell in love with you, how would you most like to be loved?'' She may hesitate in embarrassment, but persist. You'll get your ammunition, your kernel. Ten women will give you ten different answers. A thousand women will give you a thousand different answers. You'll be stunned at the diversity of the replies, but one thing will be consistent. With each woman, the same words will pop up several times. Hunters, if you were trying to make my friend Dana fall in love with you, you would tell her, "Dana, your beautiful voice drives me to destruction." If you had set your sights on Katharine, you would say, "Katharine, you are number one in my life." Those are the trigger words, the golden keys, to open their particular hearts.
TECHNIQUE #82 (MORE FOR HUNTERS): RELATIONSHIP TRIGGER WORDS First, ask her "What is love?" to find out how your Quarry would most like to be loved. While she is answering you, listen carefully for trigger words. Do not use them immediately, but when it comes time to say "I love you," weave in these special words. Huntresses, Relationship Trigger Words Work for You, Too Men also have specific ways of wanting to be loved. However, there's an additional twist you can use to find out how your Quarry wants to be loved. Uncover his source of pride, and use the magic words that describe it. One man might want a woman who loves him because he is brilliant. Another needs to feel he is sexually irresistible. Still another might yearn to be Peter Pan, who is loved for his boyishness. A friend of mine named John, a lawyer, recently became engaged. John is very proud that he had brought himself up by his bootstraps. In fact, that's one of his favorite phrases, and I've heard him use it over and over. His father was a street cleaner, and John put himself though college and then law school. One time John and I were talking about his fiancée, Lisa. He told me, "Lisa understands that I brought myself up by my bootstraps and admires me for that." I thought to myself, "Does Lisa really admire that? Or is Lisa a very smart woman who understands that is John's source of pride?" Once I had a tenant, a handsome young police officer named Karl, who dated a lot of women. Knowing of my interest in relationships, he often told me about his girlfriend-of-the-week. Karl's recurring phrase was, "I think she really digs my style." Probably none of the girls he was dating actually said the words, "Karl, I dig your style," but if one of them was smart enough to pick up on those words, she'd be hitting his hot button. Huntresses, make a man feel you love and admire him for the qualities he's most proud of. Chances are your Quarry has even inadvertently fed you the right words to use on him. Practically everybody has favorite relationship words. John's brought myself up by my bootstraps and Karl's digs my style were latchkeys to winning their love. Echoing those phrases back is taking direct aim at these men's hearts with your Cupid's bow.