Sunday, December 31, 2006

Finally, Snaring the Confirmed Bachelor

Every now and then Huntresses eat their hearts out and tear their hair out over confirmed bachelor Quarry—the older, attractive man who is single and never been married. You've met the type. You'd think he could have his pick. He dates beautiful women and he has affairs with them. But his relationships never last more than a couple of months. When his friends ask him what he's waiting for, he just smiles, shrugs, and says, "Oh, the right woman hasn't come along yet." Is this type of bachelor Quarry lying? Is he determined to stay single until the day he dies? Usually not. Usually, he's not lying and, yes, usually the right woman for him just hasn't come along yet. What he doesn't tell you is that he means sexually the right woman hasn't come along yet. Jerry was the perfect example of the man-about-town everyone thought of as a determined, persistent, resolute bachelor. In fact, Jerry was the most eligible bachelor in his hometown social scene. He was good-looking, about forty, and very personable. He had an exciting job as the host of a local television talk show. Sometimes Jerry's TV guests would even ask him on the air, "Jerry, when are you going to settle down?" or, "Jerry, every woman in town is after you. When are you going to choose the lucky girl?" Jerry's answer was always the same: "The right woman hasn't come along yet." Huntresses, if you should find yourself attracted to one of these never-been-trapped Quarry, your mathematical chances of being the one to bag him are pretty low unless you have some special ammunition—special weapons that other Huntresses don't have. Armed with this special knowledge, you increase your chances of becoming the long-awaited "right woman" for the Jerry-type confirmed bachelor. I met Jerry while I was directing sexual research at The Project. I was a frequent "guest expert" on his show, and we became platonic friends. One night, after his show, we were having dinner together at a restaurant near his TV station. When I asked Jerrythe same question everyone asked him, "Why hasn't the right woman come along?" he felt he could trust me. He spelled it all out. It turns out Jerry had a secret, but he was so embarrassed about it that he could never tell anyone. Wringing his hands between stabbing at his fillet of sole, Jerry whispered his deep dark secret to me: "Sometimes when I'm in bed with a woman, I fantasize I'm the woman and she's the man. She takes charge and seduces me." "So?" I said. "What's the big deal?"

Hunters, Do These Techniques Work with Women?

Chalk it up as yet another drop in the ever-expanding ocean of gender differences. You will not thrill a woman if, on your first date, you embark on an inquisition about her sexual fantasies. A woman would probably misinterpret your asking "What turns you on?" too early in your relationship. You would sound crude. Additionally, women are more private about their fantasies and do not feel the same need to share them. However, you still need the answer to the crucial question, "What turns you on?" The goal is the same, gentlemen, but the method of getting there is different. After you are into an intimate relationship with her, ask your Quarry (with caution) about previous relationships—what she liked, what she didn't like. Proceed slowly, and let her know your motivation. You are not being nosy. You are so thrilled with the pleasure she gives you that you want to reciprocate by giving her pleasure. Therefore, you'd like to know what she has enjoyed in the past. This opens the door for her to give you any guidance or directions if she wants to. If she prefers not to talk, however, don't press. Step softly, tread gently. If, from what she's willing to divulge, you can pick up some useful information on her sexual attitudes and preferences, you're ahead of the game. Keep in mind that your Quarry is excited by you as more of a total package. Her sexuality is not as specific. Your technique between the sheets is important but, for a woman, her interest in you runs deeper than that. All of your wonderful qualities and actions, in bed and out, add to her excitement over you. Gentlemen, whenever I ask a girlfriend what it is that sexually excites her about her current lover, I hear descriptive words like brilliant, sensitive, responsible, honest, and a myriad of other qualities that you think have nothing to do with what goes on under the sheets. Those qualities add to her excitement over you, even when the lights are out. Both Hunters and Huntresses can use another technique to net their prey. Hunters should pay special attention, because this advice is more potent for you. Uncover another kind of fantasy, a deeper one which involves your Quarry's psychosexual needs. Peel Back Her Layers and Lay Bare Her Deeper Fantasies Hunters, women, too, have hot sexual fantasies—intense sexual fantasies, recurring sexual fantasies. Gentlemen, if you manage to fulfill a woman's sexual fantasies, you've taken a big step toward making her love you. But you can take a greater leap into her heart, a more effective stride toward achieving your goal: Fulfill her relationship fantasies. As no two people have precisely the same sexual fantasies, so no two people have the same relationship fantasies. Another generalization, but just as men have more specific sexual desires, women have more specific relationship desires. I have a friend named Dana, a thirty-six-year-old, very attractive brunette who has a nightclub act. Her physical beauty outweighs her talent, but she manages to get booked in small cocktail lounges around the country. Dana feels her singing days are numbered, and she desperately wants to get married.Although she meets hundreds of men every year, she hasn't found her Prince Charming. I hadn't seen Dana in several years, but we recently found ourselves in the same town. She was performing at a small club near my hotel. I went to see her show and, after her act, we sat down to catch up on old times. I asked Dana how things had been going. "Lonely," she said. After all these years, she was still aching to meet Mr. Right. I asked, "Dana, you meet so many men, and I know a lot of them are crazy about you. What are you waiting for?" Dana said, "I'm waiting for the right man." "Who is the right man, Dana?" "Well, one who really loves me." she said. "I'm sure lots of men could love you. What do you mean?" I asked. "Well, love me the way I need to be loved." "How do you need to be loved?" That opened the floodgates. Dana spent the next two hours telling me her dream of how someday, in some club, he would be there. They would make eye contact while she was singing. He would just stare at her the entire time, never taking his eyes off her. After the show, he would invite her to his table. He would tell her she sings like an angel and listening to her was like hearing the voice of a siren that could drive him to destruction. The phrases, sings like an angel and siren that could drive him to destruction came up several times during Dana's melancholy monologue. These were obviously phrases that triggered a strong reaction in her. I began to realize that Dana's description of being loved was very specific, and quite unusual. For Dana, being loved was having a man adore her almost to the point of self-destruction because her singing voice was so entrancing. Dana was indeed beautiful, but her singing voice left something to be desired. To insist that a man love her primarily for her music was a tall order, but that's what she wanted. Dana and I explored further and it came out that, as a child, her mother used to tell her the story of the sirens, the singing sea nymphs who charmed sailors to their deaths. Dana told me she used to sing in the bathtub imagining that her toy ducks were drowning sailors spellbound by her beautiful voice. Strange? You bet. But, according to the testimonies I received at The Project, many women have an equally unusual twist to how they want to be loved. Hunters, you may have met beautiful, accomplished women—women who could have anybody—yet are still alone. They tell their friends, "the right man hasn't come along yet." For them, this statement is true because their definition of "the right man" is very specific. It is important for a woman to be loved in the way she needs to be loved. Recently I decided to add to The Project's research by asking my girlfriends how they envision being loved. I was stunned by the diversity of their answers. Another friend, Katharine, is forty-two years old and has never been married. She told me she wanted a man who would make her number one in his life, a man who would have no other people in his life who were more important to him. That included even past wives or current family members like children. Katharine told me she realized hers was a difficult request, because most men her age had beenmarried before and many had children. She told me she had broken up with her previous lover, Bill, because she felt he was too attached to his children by a previous marriage. Katharine knew her craving to be number one was unfair, irrational, but she couldn't let go of it. We talked more, and Katherine told me she had come from a turbulent, broken family. Katharine remembered one fearful moment standing in the living room, gripping her mother's hand. Her father was shouting at her mother as he walked out the door for the last time, "You are not the number one priority in my life anymore. Good-bye." While telling me this, Katharine put her hands over her ears as to shut out the horror of her father's words. Seeing how moved I was by her story, Katharine shared an embarrassing secret with me. She said, when she was dating Bill, she had an image of herself and Bill's two daughters by a pre-vious marriage on a sinking raft. In her nightmare, Bill would come racing out in a small boat to rescue them, but there was only room for one other person in the boat. Whom would he rescue? In fact, she told me she once blatantly proposed this question to Bill. He rightfully said, "Katharine, that's not a fair question. There are different kinds of love. You're the most important person to me in the woman category, but how can you compare that to love for my daughters?" Bill was right, of course, and Katharine knew it, but as ashamed as she was of her illogical need, it didn't go away. The fact that Bill wouldn't tell her she was number one was a big factor in her breaking up with him. Katharine is now very much in love with a man named Dan, but Dan is more astute than Bill. He knows enough to say, "Kathy, you're number one in my life." Those words are like sexual trigger words to Katharine. She is hoping Dan proposes to her. Some women's relationship fantasies are even more masochistic than Katharine's. Have you ever known a woman who always winds up with a bastard who treats her badly? This is such a common phenomenon that some men fear nice guys finish last. With those women, they do. Fortunate women are more realistic and have no strange twist on their relationship fantasies. They simply want a man who is loving, good, kind, and supportive, a good husband and father who will adore them, never look at another woman, and be faithful forever. (Come to think of it, how realistic is that relationship fantasy?) Love Her as She Needs to Be Loved Women are more demanding than men in the qualities their partner must have. The recurring cry "There are no good men out there" does not literally mean there are no good men out there. It means there is a shortage of men who fill that particular woman's definition of good. Hunters, keep in mind that definition is very subjective. Page 294 How close reality matches our relationship fantasies plays a big role in our lifetime happiness. One intriguing study explored how dating couples thought their partners loved them compared to how they wished their partners loved them. 54 Let's say John and Sue were a couple who participated in this study. From their questionnaires, three scores were calculated: how John felt about Sue; how Sue would like her ideal lover to feel about her; and how Sue thought John felt about her. When Sue believed that John loved her in the ideal way she wanted to be loved, she was happiest in the relationship. All the Johns and Sues were happiest when they felt their partners loved them in precisely the way they wanted to be loved. Hunters, to capture your Quarry's heart, it's not enough to just make her feel loved. Figure how she needs to be loved— to what degree, for what qualities. Make her feel loved in precisely the way she wants to be loved. You will beat out men who are stronger, handsomer, richer, and brighter than you. Love and being loved is that important to a woman. Magic Words to Make Her Love You Just as using the right words to feed a man's sexual fantasy is crucial, Hunters must use the right words to feed a woman's relationship fantasy. How do you find the right words? By asking, listening, and keeping your antennae always tuned. Pick up signals when she is talking about past lovers, about her relationship with her parents, and about what she likes or dislikes about her various friends. You might also need to find a way to cut to the core and excavate the kernel you need to plant the seeds of love. Ask your Quarry what love means to her. Choose a relaxed moment, perhaps over a dinner at a restaurant, and then, lightheartedly, tell her youwere reading a book about how everybody likes to be loved in different ways—how people have vastly different ideas of what a relationship should be. Simply ask her, ''If someone fell in love with you, how would you most like to be loved?'' She may hesitate in embarrassment, but persist. You'll get your ammunition, your kernel. Ten women will give you ten different answers. A thousand women will give you a thousand different answers. You'll be stunned at the diversity of the replies, but one thing will be consistent. With each woman, the same words will pop up several times. Hunters, if you were trying to make my friend Dana fall in love with you, you would tell her, "Dana, your beautiful voice drives me to destruction." If you had set your sights on Katharine, you would say, "Katharine, you are number one in my life." Those are the trigger words, the golden keys, to open their particular hearts.
TECHNIQUE #82 (MORE FOR HUNTERS): RELATIONSHIP TRIGGER WORDS First, ask her "What is love?" to find out how your Quarry would most like to be loved. While she is answering you, listen carefully for trigger words. Do not use them immediately, but when it comes time to say "I love you," weave in these special words. Huntresses, Relationship Trigger Words Work for You, Too Men also have specific ways of wanting to be loved. However, there's an additional twist you can use to find out how your Quarry wants to be loved. Uncover his source of pride, and use the magic words that describe it. One man might want a woman who loves him because he is brilliant. Another needs to feel he is sexually irresistible. Still another might yearn to be Peter Pan, who is loved for his boyishness. A friend of mine named John, a lawyer, recently became engaged. John is very proud that he had brought himself up by his bootstraps. In fact, that's one of his favorite phrases, and I've heard him use it over and over. His father was a street cleaner, and John put himself though college and then law school. One time John and I were talking about his fiancée, Lisa. He told me, "Lisa understands that I brought myself up by my bootstraps and admires me for that." I thought to myself, "Does Lisa really admire that? Or is Lisa a very smart woman who understands that is John's source of pride?" Once I had a tenant, a handsome young police officer named Karl, who dated a lot of women. Knowing of my interest in relationships, he often told me about his girlfriend-of-the-week. Karl's recurring phrase was, "I think she really digs my style." Probably none of the girls he was dating actually said the words, "Karl, I dig your style," but if one of them was smart enough to pick up on those words, she'd be hitting his hot button. Huntresses, make a man feel you love and admire him for the qualities he's most proud of. Chances are your Quarry has even inadvertently fed you the right words to use on him. Practically everybody has favorite relationship words. John's brought myself up by my bootstraps and Karl's digs my style were latchkeys to winning their love. Echoing those phrases back is taking direct aim at these men's hearts with your Cupid's bow.

Huntresses, Become a Sexual Sleuth

How do you find out what really turns a man on in bed? Most Huntresses just wing it with what we used to call the peter-meter. They try this, they try that, and then they watch his reaction. Some women do their research smack-dab in the middle of the action by asking, "Do you like this, honey? Does that feel good?" Enterprising Huntresses ask, "Would you like anything else?" That's good. But not good enough. To turn up the sexual electricity, you must don your Sherlock Holmes cap, grab your magnifying glass, and slink stealthily through all the twists and turns of your Quarry's sexual psyche. You must become a sexual sleuth. You don't need to blatantly pump him for information. Men are walking lighthouses. Round-the-clock, they flash signals about what turns them on. Yet many Huntresses row their loveboats right into the rocks as though a deaf, dumb, and blind oarswoman were at the helm. The first step is to develop a special antenna tuned to the right channel—the one that gives off your Quarry's sexual signals. Listen carefully to his everyday conversation. Keep your antenna tuned when he's talking about his childhood, his pre- vious relationships, his likes, and his dislikes. Listen between the words for his attitudes, his emotions. Pick up hints. Most important, develop an ear for any sexual references. Keep your antenna especially fine-tuned in bed. For example, Huntresses, in the heat of passion, does your man cry out, "Oh, baby!" "Oh, darling!" "Oh, mistress!" or ''Oh, you beautiful bitch!''? These are keys to his sexual fantasies. With some men, you don't need to play detective. They openly tell you their fantasies. When they do, they're flinging you the master key to their heart, hoping you'll catch it. Most Huntresses just let it slip through their fingers. How do you go about erecting an antenna to pick up his sexual wavelength? How do you know which of the sixty-eight thousand different shades of sex he's hinting at? Everyone's sexual desires are deeply buried in their psyches. Precisely what thrills your Quarry goes way back to his childhood. Whether your Quarry wants you to be a sexy siren (like Roger needed) or a sweet young thing (like Christopher preferred) got programmed into his psyche while he was still riding his tricycle. Our childhood experiences leave an indelible mark not only on our personalities and our temperaments, but on our sexual desires as well. Just like the little ducklings who got imprinted with Dr. Lorenz and waddled after him around the laboratory, any highly emotional incident can become carved into our personal Lovemap. We may remember the incident. We may not. But the experience leaves its sexual imprint. Roger remembered the source of his desires. He recalls, as a young boy, walking with his father along Eighth Avenue in New York City, a favorite hangout of prostitutes. As they passed, one lady of the night shouted out to his father, "Hey, big boy, wanna f***? C'mon, f*** me!" Roger's father jolted, quickly cuffed his hands over his son's little ears, and whisked him away into a cab. Roger speculates his father's profound reaction to the words f*** me is what emblazoned the experience in his psychosexual memory bank. At breakfast the next morning, Roger asked his father what f*** meant, and his father, usually very self-assured, became flustered. Roger said that at that moment he felt an intense sense of power over his father that he had never felt before. Power, to a male, is very heady stuff. To this day, that's why Roger responds so potently to a woman using that forbidden word. Sexual imprinting doesn't stop at childhood. Freud said that it's not just two people in bed—it's six; you, your lover, your mother, your father, your lover's mother, and your lover's father. I'd like to expand that list to a include a few more people. Every other lover your man has ever had has influenced what he wants sexually. His core sexual appetite remains the same, but desires for new explorations and experiences continue throughout life. Let Your Quarry Know You're a Sexual Adventurer Practically all men want to continue exploring their sexuality. They are tremendously turned on by a woman who is openminded enough to play. At The Project I interviewed a man who had recently started dating his girlfriend, Tania. John said their lovemaking was exciting, and Tania seemed open to whatever he did. He was beginning to have serious feelings (i.e., love) for her. One Sunday they were taking a country drive on a long, lonely road that wound through an enticingly private-looking woods. John started to feel those familiar rumblings. He turned to Tania and asked, "What would you say to a quickie in the woods over there?" John said Tania had looked at him as though he were crazy. That night, at her house, as they were about to get into bed, John had another adventurous erotic suggestion. He examined Tania's sturdy dresser, which was just about the right height. Full of hope, he said, "Honey, why don't you sit up on the dresser and we'll do it there?" Again Tania frowned and looked at John as though he had gone bonkers. Actually, John said, she went along with it, and they made love with him standing and her sitting on the dresser. But her initial reaction made him feel dirty and guilty for suggesting this unusual position. He never again proposed any other unusual place or position for sex. As much as John liked Tania, this was the beginning of the end of their relationship. Most men want a woman who will be adventurous and accept their requests with open arms, or at least an open mind. Like Diogenes, forever in search of the honest man, males are forever in search of the woman who will fulfill all their fantasies. Huntresses, to get him to fall in love with you, be that woman. Uncover His Core Fantasies To extract a man's core sexual preferences, you must peel back the protective layers he's spent years meticulously constructing around them. It is incredible how we casually ask a man about his taste in food, films, books, music, sports, and hobbies, but leave out the most important taste of all. How often do we look a man straight in the eye and ask him, "What turns you on?" Asking a man what turns him on requires a bit more finesse, however, than just blurting it out like "Hey, what's your favorite movie?" You should carefully choose the time, the place, the atmosphere, and your attitude. The time should be a relaxed time, but not when sex is in the immediate picture. The place should be somewhere private, but not the bedroom. The atmosphere should be conducive to letting him talk, uninterrupted, for a long, long time. Above all, your attitude should be playful, mischievous, hopeful. Couch the question in a way that leaves no doubt in his mind that you are asking what really turns him on. Let him know that anything goes, and the juicier the better. The goal is to get him to sing like a happy canary. Make Your Quarry Feel Safe Sharing His Deepest Desires If you want your Quarry to spill the beans, you must make him feel safe giving you an honest answer to the question, "What turns you on?" Set the stage by letting him know that nothing would shock or turn you off. You will not be judgmental. You are a very open-minded woman and, in fact you enjoy far-out sex stories. How do you do that? Just like an opening act warms up the audience for the main act, you must warm up your Quarry by telling him a story. Get him in the mood to share his own sexual stories by telling him one of yours—some sexual adventure that happened to you or one of your girlfriends. If you are telling your own story, make sure you come across as innocent, yet sexually adventuresome. Recount an adventure that lets him know you have a vivid sexual imagination but are not promiscuous. Also, be careful that your story doesn't hurt his ego or make him jealous. Often it is better to share an exciting sexual experience that "a friend" told you about. Did one of your girlfriends ever go out with a man who was into a menage a trois or play a far-out fantasy with her boyfriend? If so, tell your Quarry about it with a jealous twinkle in your eye, as though you wish it had been you who was so fortunate to find such an imaginative lover. If you don't have any personal experiences to share with your Quarry, let me tell you about a friend of mine named Alicia. I give you permission to borrow Alicia as "your friend" for the purposes of regaling your Quarry with your sexually adventuresome spirit. Alicia said she had always fantasized about being "raped." Not real rape, mind you, but fantasy rape, a very common female fantasy. Alicia was going out with a fellow named Jim who desperately wanted to go to bed with her. Jim hinted. Jim implored. Jim begged. But Alicia held out. Alicia was a woman of the world and, a trifle bored with her previous lovers, decided she wouldn't have sex with Jim unless she could do it her way. One Thursday evening, after a movie date, Jim drove Alicia back to her secluded country home, which was miles out in the middle of nowhere. He walked Alicia to her front door and begged to come in. Once again, Alicia demurred. However, this time she said, "Jim, you can't come in now. Not tonight. Not tomorrow night." She saw the familiar disappointment on Jim's face. "But," she said, pressing her door key into his hand, "any night after that—don't tell me when—I want you to. . . ." Alicia then proceeded to tell Jim precisely what she wanted. He would drive up to her house in the wee hours of the morning. The door would be unlocked. Alicia would be asleep. Jim was to enter her bedroom quietly and sneak past her bed into the bathroom. She told him he would find a condom in the cabinet. He was to take all his clothes off, put the condom on, then stealthily approach her bed. Alicia wanted Jim to press his hand over her mouth and proceed to tear her nightgown off. She would resist as hard as she could. She would yell and scream, "No! No! Help! Rape!" Since she lived in the middle of the woods, no one would hear. Alicia would then run for the phone to call the police. But Jim would overpower her and "rape" her. That's precisely what happened. Alicia said she'll never forget the vision of Jim silhouetted by the ray of light streaming from the bathroom door. Only one thing varied from Alicia's plan. Jim didn't "rape" her just once that night. He "raped" her twice. And they made love again as the sun came up. The beauty of using a third-party story like Jim and Alicia's is twofold. You are not admitting to any wildness yourself that might come back to haunt you later in the relationship, and you are attributing the strange fantasy to the woman, not the man, thus protecting the secrets of other men you've been with. Most important, you are also paving the way for your Quarry to tell his favorite story. In typical male fashion, he'll want to play "I can top that." As you tell your Quarry this or your own sexual adventure, watch his reactions. He will probably look at you in a new light. He will say to himself, "Hey, this woman has an exciting imagination. She's open to adventure!" Not every man wants a sexually experienced woman, but practically every man wants a woman who is turned on by new sexual experiences, especially with him. As you finish your adventure story, be prepared to handle various reactions. For instance, your Quarry may be wide-eyed and ask if you would like to be raped (or whatever happened to your heroine). "No, not exactly," you can laugh. Then wink and ask, "Any other suggestions?" You have now paved the way for him to feel comfortable sharing his deepest sexual desires. You may come up with nothing, or you may unearth the key to his heart. But now be prepared to hear some of the most common male fantasies coming from his lips. What are the most common secret male fantasies? Fantasies of having sex with two women, seeing two women make love to each other, watching other couples make love, seeing a woman masturbate, having the woman take charge and give him sexual commands, dominating a woman . . . the list goes on. The list also gets increasingly more far-out and esoteric. If there are any secret marbles in your Quarry's little bag, he will now spill them out into your lap, thrilled that he is with such a free-spirited woman. TECHNIQUE #77 (FOR HUNTRESSES): WHAT TURNS YOU ON? Huntresses, purr mysteriously about how you like imaginative sex. Tell him a story like Alicia's, then, with a mischievous little grin on your face, ask him, "What turns you on?" His answer could be the golden egg guaranteed to get his goose . . . and get him to fall in love with you.
The Hot Purr Follow-Up Huntresses, your work isn't over yet—far from it. Whatever his answer, feign excitement. Put a twinkle in your eye and say, "Oh, really?" Then maybe bite your lip a little, trying to suppress your thrill, and croon, "Tell me more." Punctuate his monologue with appropriate ooh's and aah's, and sexy smiles. Your goal is to get him to continue talking about whatever turns him on. A few warnings. It is crucial, as he is sharing these intimacies with you, that you don't let one minuscule judgmental frown flicker across your brow. Most women are smart enough when they see their lover's penis for the first time, to know they should look impressed. Well, when a man is sharing his fantasies with you, he is baring his mental private parts. He is sensitive to your every expression. One disapproving look, and he zips his lips on this subject, maybe forever. TECHNIQUE #78 (FOR HUNTRESSES): THE HOT PURR RESPONSE How should you respond when you get your Quarry talking about sex? An approving moan, a hot purr, and perhaps a naughty smile punctuated by a little licking of your lips is what X-rated Miss Manners suggests. Do All Men Have a Sexual Secret? Get ready for a pretty surprising statistic. Therapists report that about 90 percent of men have a secret desire they've never shared with their wives or significant others. The New York Times reported in a headline that "Much Is Found Perverse." 53 We'll get to that subject later, but for the moment let's talk about the most common male fantasy secrets. What kind of secrets do men harbor? Nothing outrageous, nothing shocking. But something that they fear their mothers would tell them they're dirty for thinking—like the six most prevalent secret male fantasies listed earlier in this book. Incidentally, the What Turns You On technique is a splendid method for finding out if you two are going to be sexually compatible in the long run. Some men have sexual habits and proclivities that are a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live with them. Suppose you're sitting across the restaurant table with the reflection of candlelight in the beautiful wineglass flickering off your expectant, smiling face. You've asked your Quarry, "What turns you on?" He starts telling you some bizarre activity you could never accept. What should you do? Scream? Grab your bag and run? Say, "Ugh, that's disgusting!" or "What a sicko you are!''? No. Listen anyway. React as though what he's saying is exciting. Run to the ladies' room and gag later if it's something you find really distasteful, but now is not the time to show your disgust. You've led your Quarry this far down the garden path, and it's not fair to kick sand in his face. Incidentally, you must never share your man's secret with anyone else, not even your best friend. You have tricked him into telling you, and now you must play fair. Chances are your Quarry's secret will be something very ordinary, but if you want him to fall in love with you, it's up to you to make him think you find his very ordinary desires extraordinarily exciting. Ask Knock-His-Socks-Off Details Questions Now is the time to pretend you're in Political Science Filibuster class. This is your final exam on how long you can keep a monologue (his) going. Ask your Quarry every conceivable question about his fantasy. At first he may be taken a little aback by your friendly interrogation. Within moments, I promise you, he'll get into the swing of things and be thrilled with your line of questioning. The number one most rampant secret male fantasy is wanting to be in bed with two women, or watching two women make love to each other. Let's say you've just used the What Turns You On and Hot Purr Response techniques with your Quarry. Fantasizing two womentogether was his big confession. You: "Hmmm. [You purr.] That's exciting. What do the two women look like?" He answers. You: "Really? [You get a twinkle in your eye.] Ooh. Do they have any clothes on?" He answers. You: "Wow. [Flash him a cute, mischievous, naughty smile.] Is one of them seducing the other, or are they both into it?" He answers. You: "Umm, I like that. [Sincere curiosity.] Is this the first time they've ever made it with another woman?" He answers. You: "Do they have names in your fantasy." If they do, start using their names. You: "Umm. [Lick your lips.] Where do Barb and Di kiss each other?" He answers. You: "Ooh! [You're really into it now.] Are Barb and Di lesbians, or did they just find each other irresistible?" And so it goes, and so your Quarry's excitement grows. By now, if you're having this conversation over dinner, the table could start levitating due to his growing erection. All right, Huntresses, I exaggerate, but keep the questions coming and you will enjoy the new way your Quarry looks at you. No matter how exciting he thought you were before, you are now becoming much more thrilling to him. Don't take it personally and feel neglected because your Quarry is talking about Barb and Di, or whoever is in his fantasy, instead of you. Believe me, his appreciation of your open-minded attitude will soon turn his thoughts to you. TECHNIQUE #79: THE X-RATED INTERVIEW As he's telling you what really turns him on, keep your Quarry talking, and talking, and talking. Pretend you're a TV hostess interviewing a movie star on his latest film. Ask your Quarry every conceivable question about his hot fantasies. Punctuate his answers by purring, twinkling your eyes, moaning, licking your lips, and giving him other subtle signs of approval. Huntresses, you must now get a clear picture of how far your Quarry wants to go with his fantasies. Ask him if he prefers to think about his fantasies during sex, wants to talk about them while making love, or would like to actually act them out. This is a potentially dangerous question because he might take it as his big opener and ask you if you would fulfill his fantasy. Don't say no. Don't say yes. Leave him guessing, but convince him you are open-minded. In the instance of the two-women fantasy, you might say, "Well, I've never gone to bed with another woman, but it sounds very exciting. I'd have to give it a lot of thought." Believe me, you will never have to go to bed with another woman if you don't want to. The fantasy alone will keep him going for years. In fact, many men just prefer the fantasy. Huntresses, Discover His Trigger Words Huntresses, we have heard many times that a man is visual when it comes to sex, but did you know he is also very auditory? Like a little kid listening to bedtime stories, a man loves to hear the magic words that turn him on—over, and over, and over again. I call them trigger words because they are bullets that shoot straight through to their target. Trigger words aimed at a woman's heart are a powerful relationship booster, but let's talk now about how trigger words aimed at a man's sexual desires are a potent aphrodisiac. A man can close his eyes to the concrete world of job and family and bills and submerge himself in a universe of sexual fantasy. When you whisper the precise words that trigger his desire, you can propel him right into another world, and he takes you along with him. Men love to talk about sex with a woman who will pass no negative judgments. If some men are willing to rack up hefty charges on their credit cards just to share their fantasies with a woman on the phone, talking about fantasies must be important to them. Many men who can't fantasy-talk to their wives or girlfriends call a sex-phone service to tell a strange woman what turns them on. What happens in a typical hot talk 900-number call? A woman with a sexy voice asks (after payment terms have been arranged, of course), ''What are you thinking about? What are your sexiest, deepest, hottest fantasies? Hmmm? Tell me all about it." All she needs is a few sentences from him to get him rolling. Whatever the caller says, the woman pretends to be very excited about it: "Oh, really? Ummm, I like that." A phone-line pro has been trained to listen carefully to her caller's words—to use, if you will, the Echoing technique we talked about previously. She makes up a story, a fantasy, using his words. Let's go back to our example of the widespread male fantasy of two women having sex together. Suppose a phone-sex caller said he'd like to "watch two blonds who are hot for each other go at it." That's all the pro needs. She has her trigger words to give him his money's worth. The call might go something like this. She might say, "Oh, you like to watch two women go at it, hmmm? I like other women. Especially blonds." (Notice, the phone-sex pro didn't say have sex, make love, or even the "f" word. She used her caller's precise phrase, go at it.) Her caller would respond breathlessly, "You do?" "Oh, yes," she'll answer. ''I've gone at it with lots of women. Funny, now that I think of it, they've all been blonds." Her caller's heavy breathing starts. "Are . . . are . . . are you blond?" he asks. When she answers, "Oh, yes. I've got long blond hair. I'm about 5'9"," he gasps. Now the operator racks her brain to make up a story. After all, the meter is running, and she wants to keep her caller on the line as long as she can. "Well, it just was last summer," she begins. "I spotted Sheila sitting on the other side of the pool. She was combing out her long blond hair. When she stood up I noticed she was very tall and had a beautiful body. I started to get hot for her. I walked over to her and. . . ." There was, of course, never any Sheila, never any swimming pool, and never any sex between the 900-number lady and another woman. In fact, the 900-number woman probably wasn't blond, wasn't tall, and might not even be a woman. Sometimes transvestites with feminine voices work for the 900-number services. But these details don't matter. It's the fantasy, and the trigger words, that count with the caller.
TECHNIQUE #80 (FOR HUNTRESSES): TRIGGER WORDS Listen carefully when your Quarry has shed his inhibitions and is talking about sex. Does he say woman, female, lady, chick, girl, doll, babe? To turn him on, be erotically correct, not politically correct. When he's feeling erotic, does he refer to your breasts, boobs, titties, knockers, kajoobies? If you want to turn up the heat, forget your ladylike euphemisms during sex. Use whatever words he uses. Your Quarry might not have a sexual fantasy as specific as the one in the example we used, but just get him talking about sex—anything about sex. Ask him about previous sexual experiences. Ask him what he thinks about when he masturbates (all men do). Ask him what would be the most exciting sexual experience he could imagine. Listen to his choice of words. When he's feeling comfortable, how does he refer to his penis? Don't copy the word he uses when he's in polite conversation. Listen for the one he says when he's hot. Sometimes you turn a man off if you don't use his trigger words. I interviewed a man at The Project who said he got very excited when he heard the word screwing, but his girlfriend always said making love. He loved his girlfriend and, of course, when screwing her, he said he was feeling love. But he longed to have her just once say, "Dear, please screw me." Huntresses, give your Quarry a rare treat, a sexual thrill he doesn't usually get from a woman he's in a relationship with. You can do it almost any time, any place—on the phone, across the dinner table, while walking in the mall. Simply whisper his trigger words in his ear. Give Your Quarry Good Bed Rap The pinnacle auditory sexual experience for your Quarry is hearing his own special hot words coming across the pillow from you to him during sex. Above all, when the two of you are in bed together, use his words, not yours. No matter how dumb the words sound to you, if he's told you they're a turn-on for him, believe it.
TECHNIQUE #81: BED RAP Huntresses, remember all the details of his answer when you asked him, "What turns you on?" Bring those sexual fantasies into bed with the two of you. Make up bedtime stories for him. Be his own private 900-number especially when it counts—during sex. Along with the words, invoke your Quarry's fantasies in bed. Find a way to bring up the hot stories he's told you. For example, if your Quarry had the "Barb and Di" fantasy we spoke about earlier, during foreplay, ask him with a mischievous sparkle in your eye, "Hey, how are Barb and Di doing?" If this is the first time you're using this technique with him, Page 287 he might mumble something like, "Uh, gee, I was thinking about you, Sweetie." Then you say, "I wasn't. I was thinking about Barb and Di. That really is very exciting." Talking a man through his fantasies during sex is called bed rap. Huntresses, it's not entirely selfless. A good bed rap keeps the needle high on the crude, old-fashioned peter-meter for your ultimate pleasure.

Your Quarry's Sexual Desires Are as Individual as a Thumbprint

Hunters, huntresses, let me slap a discreet warning label on my previous recommendation of watching porn flicks. You might get the idea that every man wants a wanton woman slithering all over his body and every woman wants to be swept away and seduced by a handsome stranger on Tahiti's shores. Not true. As with so many aspects of life, just when you think you've got the solution, you find the exception. When it comes to sex, the exception is more common than the rule. No two people are alike sexually. I learned this the hard way, the first time I fell in love, even before The Project's research confirmed the tremendous diversity in sexual desires. Some years ago, I was visiting an art gallery in Chicago. Christopher also happened to be visiting the Windy City that day, installing a show of his own art. I first spotted him across the room, hanging a curious abstract canvas on the wall. I was instantly attracted to him. Everything about him fit my Lovemap. He was artistic, sensitive, and brilliant, and he had lovely, lovely buns. I could to make him return the sentiment. My relationship with Christopher was almost ideal. We enjoyed the same activities. We liked the same friends. We both loved going to the theater, skiing, and cycling. Sometimes we would stay awake all night talking. I felt Christopher was the one. As time went by, we fell into a wonderful love affair. Christopher never said, "I love you," but since everything else about our relationship was ideal, I figured our problem must have been the sex. Christopher never lost himself in the throes of passion. He didn't go wild in bed the way I'd read a man should when a woman really knew how to turn him on. Our sexual scenario was always the same. After dinner, usually at his apartment, we would be talking. At some point in our conversation, Christopher would get a cute little grin on his face, put his hand on my shoulder, slide it down my arm to my hand, and stand up. Sometimes he'd wink and say, "C'mon, little girl." Then he would lead me tentatively into the bedroom. He acted as though he had to proceed gently, cautiously with the seduction. (As if I'd say no?) Christopher's lovemaking was warm and loving, but also predictable and lacking passion. I figured that would change if I just knew how to push his buttons. I decided I needed to spice things up to make him fall in love with me, but I didn't know exactly how. One afternoon, while pondering this dilemma, my eyes happened to fall on an ad in the Village Voice for a three-hour course called "How to Strip for Your Man." It promised to "put some spice in your relationship and drive your man wild." Just what the love doctor ordered, I thought. I donned my sexiest underwear and hopped the A train to a stripper's sixth-floor walk-up apartment in a cheesy suburb. That evening, in her one-room flat, four other women and I learned how to swivel out of our skirts, provocatively let them drop to the floor, and then step seductively out of them. We got step-by-step lessons on how to slide our bra straps down teasingly, flash first our left breast and then our right, and fling the discarded bra across the room as we gyrated our hips. She taught the more agile among us to stretch out on the floor and teasingly whirl our legs around in the air. At the end of the class, our teacher went into her back-of-the-room sales pitch. Optional purchases were a cassette of stripper's music and a set of tassels. The tassels twirled amazingly well on the more well-endowed students; unfortunately my equipment was not sufficient to get one good spin out of them. However, I bought both products and, with strains of "The Stripper" dancing in my head, took the train straight to Christopher's apartment. I couldn't wait for his cute little grin, because that was going to be my cue. Sure enough, about 10:45, the corners of his lips went up. "C'mon, little girl," he said as he took my hand and we started toward the bedroom. But tonight was different. Tonight, I had a surprise for Christopher. The moment we entered his bedroom, I pushed my astonished lover into a chair, slipped the cassette into his stereo, and leaped promptly into my routine. A little fancy footwork around his dresser. One, two, three. Va-va-voom. Peekaboo, one breast. Four, five, six. Va-va-voom. Peekaboo, the other breast. Then my bra went careening cup over cup across the bedroom, making a perfect two-point landing right on his lap. But my stripping coach had neglected one critical performance skill: It is crucial to keep constant eye contact with your audience to know how you're doing. As I was writhing around on Christopher's carpet, twirling my legs dangerously near his favorite lamp, I neglected to look at his face. If I had, I would have seen a horrified expression. Christopher calmly stood up and walked out of the bedroom and out of the apartment. In tears, I gathered up my skirt, my bra, my cassette, and my unused tassels and ran all the way home. What had gone wrong? I didn't hear from Christopher for a week. Finally I called him and asked, "Can we talk?" We met for dinner, and talk we did. He was very forthright. I learned that Christopher's idea of sex was seducing a woman, not being seduced. Furthermore, his biggest turn-on, he told me, was not for the woman to be flamboyant and seductive, but to resist. Christopher, it turns out, wanted to feel like the virile seducer. Not, as he said, like "some lonely repressed guy who pays to see cheap women dance around." Wow! What an eye-opener that was for me. I resolved, at that moment, never again to make any assumptions about a man's sexual desires. Every man is different. (So is every woman, and we'll talk about that later.) On the surface, it may seem like all men just want one thing but, as I learned, there are many recipes to cook up that one thing. Sex Is Like a Steak Have you ever been hungry for a nice big juicy steak? Let's say today you are famished for a truly great one. As a gourmet steak lover, you know there are sixty-eight shades between very rare and well done, but tonight you want perfection. You go to the best steak house in town. You are very precise when placing your order. You tell the waiter, "I'd like a filet mignon, please." You painstakingly describe how you'd like your steak charred on the outside, fairly rare, but definitely not blue in the middle. You tell him, "Make sure it's pink throughout and hot, not cool, in the middle." The waiter listens patiently until you finish. Then he turns toward the kitchen and shouts, "Gimme a steak for table six!" That's the way many of us are about sex. Even when our Potential Love Partner madly hints at some erotic turn-on, we dive into bed with the finesse of a cannonball smacking the beach. Your Quarry may enjoy the sex. You may think it's great, too. But for him, without your understanding of his sixty-eight different shades, the experience is not gourmet. It does nothing for the goal of making him fall in love with you. The saddest part is, he'll never tell you why he lost interest. If you dig deep enough, no matter where you are on this earth, you will find water. Dig deep enough into any man's sexuality, and you will find a unique twist, a special spin. Hidden in that tangle is the key to his heart. The Number One Sexual Wish There is only one sexual fantasy all men and women share. It is to find someone wonderful in bed. Question: Who is wonderful? Answer: Someone who fulfills all our sexual desires, someone who likes to give it just the way we like to get it, and someone who knows how to give it just the way we like to get it. Without our having to give step-by-step guidance. Many lovers are hesitant to map out detailed directions for their partners about their sexual needs. They sincerely believe that ''when the right person comes along, he or she will 'just know' what I want.'' I once had a friend named Chip. One Christmas eve, he and I were laughing about our childhood experiences and how we used to believe in Santa Claus. Suddenly Chip's face fell flat, and he said, "Santa never brought me the presents I wanted." "Not even after you found out that Santa Claus was really your mother?" I asked him. "Nope." "Well," I asked, "why didn't you give your mother hints?" "Because," Chip explained, "if she really loved me, she'd just know what I wanted." Most of us are that way sexually. We may not believe it consciously, but most people cling tenaciously to the dream that some day, out of the blue, the right partner will sail right into our lives. And we will live happily ever after. If these same hopefuls hurled a thousand-piece puzzle on the staircase, they wouldn't expect the pieces to jump out of the box, find each other, and fit together. Yet they dive into a sexual relationship assuming all the pieces will fit. The odds that their and their Quarry's sexual desires will fit snugly together are one in a million. In the beginning of a new relationship, as all the bits and pieces are still swirling about in the air, sex is exciting. The novelty, the discovery, the conquest carries the night. It's only a few weeks, months, or years into the relationship—when the puzzle pieces start smacking the staircase at odd angles—that sexual disappointment surfaces. "Why Did He or She Lose Interest?" Huntresses, he stops calling. Hunters, she suddenly develops other things she has to do on Saturday night. Why? What went wrong? Why did your Quarry lose interest? There are, of course, as many answers to that question as there are men and women in the world, but we can make some fairly accurate generalizations. A survey we took at The Project asked single and divorced men and women why their previous relationships had ended. Whenever the respondent was the partner who initiated the breakup, we further asked, "Why? What went wrong with the relationship?" The womanwanted out, usually due to general disappointments in her partner—his personality, habits, or lifestyle, or the way he treated her. However, when the man was the one who wanted to break up, sex was pretty high on his list. The next question in our survey was: "Did you tell your partner the reason for your wanting to end the relationship?" Overwhelmingly the answer was, "Not the real reason." The men said, "I couldn't tell her that sex with her wasn't, well, you know. . . ." A woman usually wants to go out with a man because he is interesting, attractive, a turn-on, and someone with whom she might want a relationship. A man usually asks a woman out because he wants to go to bed with her. (There are exceptions, of course.) We accuse men of being gun-shy of relationships. This is not true. It's just that if a man is going to commit for a lifetime to one woman, he wants sex with her to be as perfect for him as the rest of her is. The problem is compounded because men's sexual needs are more diverse, more immediate, more pressing, and therefore it is more difficult for them to find a perfect female fit. This is a quandary. Often, a man meets a woman who seems ideal for him, but sexually she is less than the optimum experience. Most men, even today, feel that marriage should mean fidelity. "Is This Woman Enough for Me Sexually for the Rest of My Life?" Roger was typical of the many men I interviewed at The Project. He wanted sex to be great with the woman he would marry but, like for so many men, the fantasy woman he wanted sex with in the bedroom had a different personality from the loving wife he wanted in the living room. As it happened, Roger came from a very affluent and prominent Southern family. He had high standards in clothes, food, wine, and women. Every woman he dated was elegant, confident, well spoken, and a champion at social graces. He said he wanted to marry a woman he could be proud to introduce to his friends and family and build a life with: "One," he jokingly said, he "could introduce to Mother." When I met Roger, he was engaged to a lovely woman named Diane who was everything his family could have hoped for Roger and everything Roger ever dreamed of finding in a woman, except she lacked one thing: sex. There was nothing wrong with Diane sexually. She was loving, willing, and warm. The problem was that, in Roger's deepest hidden sexual fantasies, he dreamed of being in bed with, as he described it, a hot number who was insatiable for his body. Diane was just too ladylike in bed, he complained. When they were making love, Roger's imagination had to do the work. During sex, he imagined that Diane was crying out dirty words. He longed to hear her in the heat of passion scream out, "Roger, f*** me! F*** me!" Obviously Diane was not the type of lady to indicate her ardor in this manner, and therein lay the problem. Roger was having difficulty maintaining an erection with Diane. I asked him if he had ever told Diane about his fantasies. "No, of course not. It would shock her," Roger replied. "In fact," he added, "I've never told anyone . . . until now." Roger is ashamed of his fantasy, as are many men. Why? Most little boys grew up constantly being told no: "No, don't touch yourself there. That's dirty. Don't look at your sister when she's dressing. That's not nice. No, don't touch Mommy there." Little boys entered puberty fearing women would scold them, reject them, if they revealed any flagrant sexual urge— like wanting to hear a woman cry out dirty words. They don't dare ask their favorite woman to play out their fantasy because of what she might think. They dread losing her to some man who doesn't think such weird thoughts. A generation of adult men now walking our hometown streets grew up terrified by horror comics—not the monsters, vampires, ghouls, and zombies inside the comics, but rather the Charles Atlas ads on the back covers! In the most terror-inducing ad, the wimp (the reader, in his worst nightmare) is sunning himself happily on the beach with his sexy girlfriend. Along comes Mr. Muscleman who kicks sand in his face and struts off. With an admiring look in her eye, the poor wimp's sexy ex-girlfriend stands up and follows the musclebound stranger (i.e., the man who does it right). Such ads induced panic attacks in millions of American men. Because ego and sex are practically inseparable grey matter in the male brain, if a man wants anything but straight vanilla sex, he feels like the wimp who will lose his girl. Even if he is just hungry for a sprinkling of some exotic spice on his vanilla treat from time to time, he feels Mr. Straight-Vanilla will come along, kick sand in his face, and take his lover away. Roger felt sexually inadequate because he wanted Diane to do "dirty things" in bed. "She would walk away in disgust if she knew," he told me. "But would she?" I asked him. I suggested to Roger that he tell Diane about his fantasies–tell her it turned him on to hear a woman talk dirty in bed. "Who knows," I suggested, "she might even enjoy it." At our next counseling session, I asked Roger, "Well?" Roger hadn't told her. He admitted he was still afraid of her reaction. Six months later Roger broke up with Diane. He said that, although he loved and respected her, the passion just petered out. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life in a passionless marriage. Sex, to Roger, as it is to most men, was just too important. I find this very sad because, if Diane could have accommodated Roger's fantasies, two otherwise very compatible people would have been able to enjoy a life together. If only he had told her he fantasized about having a very unladylike hot female between the sheets, Diane might have been able to play his sexual game. She could say the words he longed to hear, and for Roger that would have been enough. Remember, men are able to get off on playacting or pretending more than women are. Huntresses, you must find out what really turns on your Quarry and how to use it to make him fall in love with you.

A Quiz: Who Loves More, Men or Women?

Hunters, you do (I hope) realize that the generalizations (many), the exaggerations (slight), and the humor (weak) in the previous chapter were simply to make a point. Lest you think I was man-bashing, let me now offer you a peace offering. Men suffer a bad rap for being less romantic than women. Naturally, if you do a survey of men or women at the mall asking "Who's more romantic?" the majority will say women. 48 At first glance, the evidence is pretty overwhelming that women are the romantics. Indeed, they are when it comes to saying "I love you," remembering Valentine's Day, and knowing "it's the little things that count" (like an engagement ring). But when it comes to the truly deep and important definition of romance, you men are the big winners. At some point in your life, gentlemen, the woman of your dreams will probably say accusingly (in response to one of your everyday "insensitive" remarks) that "you men are all alike! You're so unromantic!" My gift to you is the following. Someday it will come in handy, in self-defense. I've packaged it neatly in the form of a quiz that you can give her when she calls you unromantic. Who really is capable of loving more, men or women?
QUESTIONS MEN WOMEN Who falls in love faster? __ __ Who is more idealistic about love? __ __ Who usually initiates the breakup? __ __ Who suffers more from a breakup? __ __ Who loves their lovers more? __ __ Who Falls In Love Faster? Men! In one study, seven hundred young lovers were asked, "How early did you realize you were in love?" Men fell in love faster. Before the fourth date, 20 percent of men had taken the tumble, whereas only 15 percent of the women realized Cupid had stung them; 43 percent of the women still didn't know they were in love by the twentieth date, compared to only 30 percent of the men. 49 Women are more cautious about getting involved. Who Is More Idealistic About Love? Men! Another study determined that men had a far more idealistic and less practical view of love. 50 Men were not nearly as concerned with a woman's social position or how much money she made. More men felt that as long as two people truly love each other, they should have no trouble getting along in marriage. Who Usually Initiates the Breakup? Women! A group of Harvard scientists vigilantly followed the affairs of 231 Boston couples. Of those who split up, usually it was the woman who suggested the separation. The men wanted to stick it out to the bitter end. 51 Who Suffers More From a Breakup? Men! The men felt lonelier, more depressed, unloved, and least free after a split. The men reported that they found it extremely hard to accept that they were no longer loved and that she had really gone. What disturbed them most was that they felt there was nothing they could do about it. They were plagued with the hope that if only they had said the right thing . . . done the right thing. . . . In fact, three times as many men commit suicide after a disastrous love affair as women do. Who Loves Their Lovers More? Men! Men love their lovers more in relation to others in their life. Several researchers at Yale University polled male and female participants from age 18 to 70 and asked, "Who do you like, and who do you love, most in your life?" 52 The choices were lover (or spouse), best friend, parents, and siblings. Men, it turned out, loved and liked their lovers more than their best friends, whereas, with women, the rankings were about equal. Many women liked their best friends more than they liked their lovers! Gentlemen, the next time your lover complains, "You men are so unromantic," just show her these statistics and say, "Yeah, who says? Huh, huh, huh?" (On second thought, just say, "You know, dear, you have a good point. I'm sorry. I'll try to be more romantic. I love you.")

Huntresses, Have Sex with a Man as a Man Wants It

Huntresses, turnabout is fair play. If we expect the new man to put more romance in his sex, it's only fair for the new woman to put more sex in her romance. Any woman who has ever been in love knows one thing: Love makes good sex hotter. Any man who has ever been in love knows another: Good sex makes love hotter. Yet centuries after this discovery, males and females lie gazing at each other across the pillow, secretly wishing the other partner would get it right. I've said it. Better writers than I have proclaimed it. You can't even slip through the supermarket checkout counter without some women's magazines bombarding you with the message of how to attract a man: Be hotter! Be sexier! Be wilder! Have more fun in bed! Play! If you have serious intentions of capturing your Quarry's heart, yes, you must be hotter, sexier, and wilder, have more fun in bed, and play. Think back to when you were a little girl, rolling around in the sandbox with the other kids, giggling, wiggling, talking, and building sand castles. You used your imagination to have fun. Little girls in the euphoria of the moment, throwing sand in the air and shouting ''Whee!" aren't having an inner dialogue Page 254 with themselves. They aren't asking themselves, "Does my playmate really like me? Is he just using me to build sand castles? Should I fake having more fun? Is he expressing enough affection? Why doesn't he shout 'Whee,' too? Isn't he enjoying it? Uh-oh, will he play in the sandbox with me when we get back to the city?" Children, lost in a wonderland of sensual pleasure, let their imaginations run wild. They turn their concerns off and their fantasies on. Well, bed is the adult sandbox—the place to giggle, wiggle, talk, and build fantasy castles. It's the place to let your imagination run wild. Bed is the place to turn your concerns off and your fantasies on. One of the more surprising gender differences is that, during sex many men retain this childlike quality. Like Alice lost in Wonderland, a man can get lost in fantasyland. He is better able to suspend reality and tune into his erotic imagination—not because he has a greater imagination, but because his concerns interfere with his pleasure and potency. Huntresses, this does not mean that men do not crave caring, affection, and love, but when the bedroom door is closed and the lights go down, he wants to lose himself in total sensuality, i.e., have raw sex. "Curiouser and curiouser," as Alice would say, is the fact that after several great sessions of raw sex, when no love was spoken of, a man's thoughts are more apt to turn to love. How can Huntresses express raw sex? Again, perhaps the avalanche of books and articles falling on our heads hasn't made a dent in our hairstyles. And again, a moving picture is worth a million words. Let's Go to the Videotape The videotapes in question are called porno flicks. They are filthy, they are disgusting, and they are a priceless crash course in raw sex. Every intelligent woman should suspend judgment, firmly plant her tongue in her cheek and her derriere on the couch to watch just one. How do you get hold of a porno flick? You venture into the back room of practically any video store in America. (If you must, don a man's trench coat first and pull his rain hat down over your face.) You will find a wide selection to augment your education. Obviously, you must be careful in your choice. Porn films come in hundreds of flavors, straight and kinky, with every possible combination of men and women possible. (Sometimes even dogs, horses, and goats play cameo roles.) For educational purposes, you want to pick a "straight" one. Be forewarned, however, that strictly vanilla "straight" sex can involve two or more women with one man, or two men and three women. Don't worry about it. The edifying experience will come from the atmosphere of raw sex. You'll pick up hot hints from the female stars who are moaning, groaning, wiggling, pouting their lips, and flipping their tongues in the air. Yet another benefit from men's porno films—you'll pick up fashion tips. You'll see the very latest in teddies, garter belts, stockings, negligees, crotchless panties, nippleless bras, corsets, G-strings, and the occasional leather catsuit or French maid's outfit. I don't suggest you rush out to buy this suggestive couture. But if your Quarry should someday surprise you with a little X-rated birthday gift, recognizing it could save you from a relationship-straining groan, "What the heck is this?" What other instructional material is contained therein? Choreography. You'll definitely discover some new sex positions. On the average, in each porno flick, the movie stars assume from five to twenty-five different positions. Storywise, you may ask, what are porno films like? Well, not much. After you put the cassette in, you'll think you've skipped the beginning because, in less than thirty seconds, you're into heavy action. You haven't missed a thing. There is very little buildup, hardly any plot, no character development, and little personality appreciation. Sort of the way some men like sex? (That's unfair.) Obviously, Huntresses, I am not suggesting that you emu-
A COMPARISON OF FEMALE PORN AND MALE PORN Female Porn Stars Male Porn Stars Strong, sensitive men. Respectful, yet recklessly passionate. Hot women. Hotter women. Hottest women. (The only place the directors want depth in a woman is in her cleavage.) Female Porn Script Male Porn Script Sensitive conversation. More complete sentences than in male pornography, including phrases like, "You are beautiful," "I want you," "I love you," and ''I've dreamed of a woman like you all my life.'' "Oh yeah." "Pump harder." "Don't stop." "Yeeeeeeeees more than three to five consecutive words.) Female Porn Story Lines Male Porn Story Lines
Female Porn Story Lines Male Porn Story Lines Being seduced by a handsome stranger. Making love in danger of getting caught. Many variations on the fantasy of "being taken." (They don't call it rape.) Ranges from very weak to none. Usually, Dicky sees Jane. Dicky does Jane in five to twenty-five positions. (Huntresses, for a real hoot, put your VCR on fast forward and watch Dicky and Jane do it at the speed of light.) Female Porn Locales Male Porn Locales Old castles, beautiful beaches, exotic islands. Expensive brass or period four-poster beds. Cheesy rooms. Any bed, any couch, any floor. Female Porn Flavor Male Porn Flavor Undiluted vanilla. Every flavor in the book—and then a few nobody ever heard of. Female Porn Ending Male Porn Ending Fades slowly out on the final kiss after a mutually fulfilling experience. Soft music under credits. Male star climaxes. (Must end at this point because male performer loses his "talent.") Film flickers and screen flashes to black. Page 257 late the lascivious expressions and corporeal contortions of the female porn stars while making love with your Quarry. But simply having seen a porno flick gives you a more masculine insight into raw sex. The closer a woman is in tune with a man sexually, the hotter sex is for him. TECHNIQUE #75 (FOR HUNTRESSES): LEARN "RAW SEX" FROM MEN'S FLICKS Huntresses, you may laugh (you may also turn green and gag), but study men's porno flicks to pickup some hints on raw sex. Men spend millions of dollars annually to see hot women lusting after the male body in such films. You don't have to go overboard and act like you'd have an orgasm if your Quarry so much as kissed you, but, to make him fall in love with you, a little lust wouldn't hurt. Additional "Coarse" Materials for Your Raw Sex Curriculum Huntresses, if you don't have a VCR , all is not lost for you, either. You can get a good cross-gender experience by grabbing a handful of men's magazines like Penthouse, Playboy, and Gallery from the racks of magazine stores. Turn to the letters section, the most educational part for women by far. In men's fantasies, instead of 90 percent buildup and 10 percent sex, you'll find 10 percent buildup and 90 percent sex. Instead of reading about the eyes, profile, or bronzed skin mentioned in the Harlequin fantasy, men make frequent reference to their own favorite anatomical part—embellished by adjectives like large, huge, immense, enormous, and massive. Instead of Harlequin's sensitive available partners falling in love, the starring characters of men's fantasies are usually unavailable women who couldn't care less about relationships—the naughty nurse, the horny housewife, the hot baby-sitter, the lascivious lesbian, the pantiless hitchhiker. In fact, in perusing a thigh-high stack of men's magazines, the three little magic words, "I love you," or tender phrases like "My darling girl" were nowhere to be found. Replacing them were tributes such as "You're one hot little number" and "Oh you insatiable bitch!" Obviously, love and sex are not as intertwined in male fantasies. TECHNIQUE #76 (FOR HUNTRESSES): READ THEIR RAGS Huntresses, read a few men's magazines. You'll find the hot letters from hot readers of special interest. If what goes in those letters is not precisely true, it's the best documentation of male wishful thinking ever printed.

Hunters, Make Love to a Woman as a Woman Wants It

Let me preface this by saying that I suffer no delusions that a few more paragraphs detailing what women want in bed is going to change male habits for womankind. Even the sex manuals' explicit diagrams haven't taught men how to gently massage her hot spot. The overwhelming evidence that women crave caressing, romance, passion, sensitivity, and strength in bed hasn't changed the often rabbitlike habits of the American male. The reports are in. The cry is out. Men need more help. More drastic measures are called for. If, after carefully reading books like How to Make Love to a Woman and How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time, the average American male is still thrusting away for twelve minutes or less, he needs more help. Here it is. The One-Hour Lesson That Will Change Your Life A picture is worth a thousand words. A moving picture is worth a thousand still pictures. Men, do your math. The hour-long experience I'm about to suggest will be worth a million words to you. The human brain can quickly forget what it reads, but a moving picture, a video, takes a much longer time to slip out of your memory bank. If the film is hot enough, the images may blaze in your brain forever. Gentlemen, if you want to become a better lover, you have a unique advantage over your grandfathers, fathers, and even your older brothers. There is a new strain of womankind out there, and she is making her own moving pictures. If books haven't educated you, female porn will sock it to you! Fem-porn shows the world what's what in female erotica. Unlike male porn, women's films show you how a woman likes to be kissed and how she likes to be caressed, talked to, and made love to. What are the films like? You might call most of them romantic soft-X porn, but they're not soft because of censorship. There are no oppressive laws, no uptight prudishness, no interior repression. The female directors hold nothing back. Romantic soft-X is the way a woman likes it, in her movies, and from you. Some of the films are good. Some are mediocre. Some are downright dumb. But they all contain elements women can relate to. Women's sex movies, in contrast to men's, are more complicated. In place of raw sex, there is steamy sensuality. The films show an emotional connection between the partners, and affection. Closeups on faces reflect the partners' feelings. (Take notes, gentlemen: You can turn a woman on during sex by your facial expressions.) Importantly, you can see where to touch a woman and how she likes to be caressed. What you'll view is a far cry from the misinformation you get from men's pornography. Recently, in reviewing some male porn for this book, I had to laugh. A male porn star, obviously smug about the pleasure he thought he was giving his partner, was vigorously grinding the poor girl's clitoris back into her body with his middle knuckle. Luckily, for her, he was missing his mark by a quarter of an inch, or her pain would have been excruciating. Gen- tlemen, the benefits of viewing women's porn don't stop at geography. You'll pick up other practical hints, like suave ways to slip on your condom. Ask for work by directors such as Candida Royalle, Gloria Leonard, and Deborah Shames, to mention only a few of the prominent women filmmakers. Here's a preview of coming distractions. In Candida Royalle's films, you'll master techniques on how to touch and caress a woman. In Gloria Leonard's, you'll find that humor and sex mingle. In Deborah Shames's films, you'll learn more about creating just the right atmosphere to make your Quarry fall in love with you. From all of these women's films you'll learn that humor, romance, a buildup of tension, and strong, slow hands are what work with women. You'll learn how your Quarry really likes you to give it to her between the sheets—or on the dining room table, or in the elevator, or on the beach. In one vignette, for example, you'll see a woman emerging from a bubble bath with a bored expression on her face because she must attend a gala charity ball. She reaches into her lingerie drawer to pull out a white lace teddy. Just as she is tying the tiny satin bow, protective arms encircle her from the rear. She feels a tender kiss pressing on the back of her neck. Sure hands delicately untie the little pink ribbon, her teddy drops to the floor, and the silent stranger lovingly traces a pattern around her nipple with his strong, sensitive pinkie. At this point, gentlemen, you may be tempted to fast forward to the "good part." Don't, because the beginning of the film which establishes the locale, the story line, and the character development—much of this is the good part for women. Many women tie sex tightly to love, and they become fully aroused only when they feel deep affection or respect for their partner. That, too, is clear in many of the female sex films. My male buddies sometimes complain, "Why can't women forget this romance thing during sex and get down to the nitty-gritty?" Well, gentlemen, the nitty-gritty for her is love, or at Page 246 least a relationship. Loving you makes her hotter. Your loving her makes her hotter still. All the studies prove that women do indeed like more romance. In a typical study, a psychologist at Louisiana State University read men and women the same erotic story. Afterward the subjects were questioned. Men remembered the hot action part where the woman "clawed at her partner's back and wrapped her legs around him," whereas women remembered as the hot parts of the story scenes in which "they looked deeply into one another's eyes." In men's porn, everyone's stacked, everyone's eager, and everyone comes. In fem-porn, everyone is loving, everyone is sensitive, and everyone is passionate. By watching sex films directed by women, you'll finally get it. You'll see with your own eyes how to make love to a woman the way she likes it. Hunters, if the written word has failed—if just reading make it last has not driven the point home—try fem-porn. Watching the extended cinematic buildup to the sex might just do the trick. It will slow down your foreplay and build up your technique. TECHNIQUE #73 (FOR HUNTERS): LEARN STEAMY SENSUALITY FROM LADY PORN Hunters, there's a new breed of woman out there, and she's letting the world know what's hot—and what's not—for her between the sheets. To drive your Quarry wild in bed, trash your men's triple-X movies. You won't learn anything from those but misinformation you already have. Pop some films by female artistes in your VCR . Then take copious notes. Gentlemen, if your good buddy runs the video store and you think he'd laugh if you asked for sissy titles like Christine's Secret or A Taste of Ambrosia, the next best thing to do is order by mail. Several "Better Sex Videos" are very well done—more clinical—but also present material through a soft female lens. Another Crash Course in Steamy Sensuality for Men Gentlemen, if you don't have a VCR , all is not lost. Another graphic crash course in turning a woman on is found not in sex manuals, not in how-to books, but in hot novels, female style. Do you know twenty-five million readers regularly buy romance novels? The most renowned are published by Harlequin. If you think only dimwitted women get off on the Harlequin-type fantasies, you're wrong. The majority of romance readers are college-educated and earn an average of $40,000 per year. Each month, 150 new titles roll off the presses filled with hunks like the strong silent stranger, the tycoon who flips his priorities when he meets the love of his life, and even Mr. Mom. Hunters, go to your local bookstore. Mumble to the bookstore salesclerk something about, uh, you're buying this for your, um, er, sister. Then settle down for an hour or so of very educational reading. Here's just a taste of what you'll find in one Harlequin romance novel. 47 The heroine is Emma, a celebrity author who must stay in an isolated beach house to collaborate on a screenplay with "talented sexy-as-sin Sam Cooper." After much avoidance of Sam, Emma decides to have sex with him, but no involvement. Emma is ready, but Sam says, "I'm not a barnyard animal! I don't perform on command. . . . Let's . . . let's talk." Emma says, "Look. The smartest thing you ever said was, 'it's just sex. Let's get it out of our systems and get on with it.' Now, what are you saying?" "I'm saying let's take it slowly. Let nature take its course. . . ." "Why?" Her voice tightened. "It's . . . it's more romantic." She gave an angry snort. "Who's talking about romance?" "I am. I mean, this is not just about sex." "Then what is it about? You said that it was just a physical attraction and if we slept together it would go away. So let's just sleep together." "It's not just a physical attraction. Not for me." His voice softened with a deeper, meaningful note. "I feel something for you. I think I'm falling in love." Hunters, do you pick up that handsome, masculine, sexy Sam is mouthing the sentiments that women traditionally feel? He wants to talk, he wants it more romantic, and he thinks he's falling in love. Emma, afraid of her emotions, tries to escape. Desperate, she turned and bolted out the open sliding door onto the deck. A dark gray curtain of rain slammed into her, drenching her instantly as she leaped toward the railing, intending to swing over and drop into the shallow water where waves crashed and foamed on the shingle four feet below. Strong hands grabbed her by the waist, hauled her back down and turned her around. "For God's sake, you've got this all wrong!" he yelled above the roar of the wind and the waves, the rain running down her face. She struggled in his grip. "Let me go," she sobbed. . . . "You don't want me, you've made that very clear." She didn't know if she made any sense, didn't care as she thrashed wildly in his arms. "Does this look like I don't want you?" Sam pulled her close, trapping her against his strong body to stop her moving, and then his hot mouth was on hers, kissing her hard and recklessly. . . "You're a crazy woman," he moaned. "You make me crazy. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know myself anymore." He punctuated every breathless word with mad, feverish kisses. "There's only one thing I know for sure. If I don't have you, if I don't make love to you right now, I'm going to die.'' Hunters, read between the lines and find all the elements. For example, even in these few paragraphs there is the drama of the encounter, the exotic beach setting, and the heightened emotion of both partners. Above all, there is Sam—Sam, the tender man who needs her, who loves her. Sam, the strong, the gentle, the passionate. But Sam's passion was not for sex, it was for her. Now, to the actual sex. When we last left Emma and Sam, they were struggling in the pounding rain with the sound of the waves crashing up against the beach house. They're still there, but by now Sam has "dragged off her clothing, leaving them both naked to the pounding rain, their sighs and moans washed away in the heavy curtain of rain." On the crest of the wave she raised her head. The light from the cabin bronzed his wet skin, sculpting his face into powerful planes and inky shadows. She stared into the startling blue of his blazing eyes, saw the thick, dark lashes clumped together with rain. And then it was upon her, overtaking her. Her head fell back as release shuddered through her, wave upon wave rolling over her, tearing wordless cries and moans from her throat. His hot mouth was on her neck and he jerked wildly, his arms tightening convulsively as he emptied himself into her for one glorious eternity. Suddenly everything stilled. There was only the insistent rush of the waves and the rain drumming on the deck, on the water below and splashing off their bodies. Slowly Emma raised her head and saw his closed eyes, the expression between pain and ecstasy as he crooned softly, "My darling girl," running his hands down her back, enveloping her in a warmth that was more than just physical. "I want to hold you forever." Gentlemen, did you notice? During the sex, Sam's feelings, Sam's expressions, and Sam's cries (even Sam's eyelashes!) came crashing into Emma's consciousness through the pounding rain. After the "one glorious eternity" there was the "warmth that was more than just physical" and the promise of the future: "I want to hold you forever." TECHNIQUE #74 (FOR HUNTERS): READ A HARLEQUIN ROMANCE Yes, Hunters, I'm serious. You may chuckle, guffaw, gag, roll your eyes, or double up on the floor choking with laughter, but twenty-five million females can't be faking that they like this stuff. Try it. You may not like it. However, you'll love her reaction when you try some of the techniques that Raphael, Beau, Felipe, Rigg, Sky, Dunstan, Tuck, Kael, Cagney, and other exotic Harlequin Hunters use to trap their Quarry. Very steamy stuff to a woman. Corny? Perhaps. But certainly no more unrealistic or wishful thinking than the hot animalistic females who cavort through male porn films begging men to be allowed to do them. Hunters, memorize a few of the phrases and study the choreography of the moves. Perhaps you think your Quarry is the type of woman who wouldn't be caught dead with a Harlequin romance novel in her briefcase, but no matter how sophisticated or emancipated she may be, lines from the novels work wonders. Hearing "I need you, I want you, I love you" above the roar of the wind and the waves strikes a primitive pre-lib chord in practically every female heart.

Forget the Golden Rule Between the Sheets

The Golden Rule tells us, "Do unto others that which you would have done unto you." Good advice with your coworkers nine-to-five daytime and with your friends five-to-nine in the evening. But after you bring in the dog, put out the cat, switch off the lights, and hop into bed with your lover—forget it! The Golden Rule causes big problems in sex. All too often a man has sex with a woman the way a man likes it (sometimes too crude, too quick, too unromantic) and a woman makes love to a man the way a woman wants it (sometimes too slow, too romantic, too emotional). Once you're under the covers with the opposite sex, discard the Golden Rule like a dirty Kleenex. To sexually enrapture and capture your Quarry, a woman should have sex with a man the way a man wants it. A man should make love to a woman the way a woman wants it. We've all read that men like it hot and sexy and women like it more passionate and loving. Why, then, the minute the lights go out, do we instinctively fall back on the Golden Rule? Why do we insist on doing unto the other what we most want done unto us—instead of giving our Quarry what he or she wants? Obviously, reading sex manuals and popular books that highlight, emphasize, and underscore our differences hasn't done the trick. Men continue turning women off with their unromantic triple-X approaches. And women continue exasperating or boring men with their soft G needs. Here's help. Men in Lust, Women in Love Hunters, the last time you crooned the favorite male refrain, "Was it good for you too, honey," she probably murmured, "Ummm, it was great." But did she mean it? She might have been thinking, ''Sure, all five minutes of it," or worse, "What a snore." Maybe she secretly wished you'd been noisier or quieter, pushed harder or softer, been rougher or more gentle, talked more or talked less. Maybe she hoped you'd touch her in the spot where it really feels good, not the spot where you think it makes her feel real good. She probably didn't tell you. Don't blame her. She knows you've got a lot of ego invested in sex, and she didn't want to hurt you. Furthermore, if she's like most women, she had a fantasy running through her mind to enhance her own pleasure while you were happily thrusting away. Perhaps you were the star of her concealed fantasy film. Then again, perhaps not. But even if she did have you cast in the lead role, in her imagination she probably had you thinking, saying, or doing something other than what you were thinking, saying, or doing. For generations women were cool to the idea of sexual fantasies. Then, suddenly, in the seventies and eighties, the subject warmed up and became very hot when author Nancy Friday published several sizzling books of women's fantasies. By the early 1990s, it was well accepted that women fantasized. Sexologists and mainstream sex education videos even endorsed fantasy and spelled out the different bedtime desires of men and women. They told us clearly that both sexes like it hot and loving, but men generally like it more hot than loving, while women like it hot and loving. Books were written detailing how to make love to a woman and explaining how different Ms. Venus was from Mr. Mars when they made terrestrial visits under the sheets. Did men read them? Yes. Did men heed them? No—at least not if you hear the same testimony I do. The women I've counseled and spent hours interviewing ask the same question: ''Why can't a man make love in a way that really satisfies me?" Many of these women are fed up with faking the Big 0. As we approach the second millennium, men have explored the surface of the moon, but the terrain of a woman's body still boggles them. Most men still don't know how to completely satisfy a woman sexually. Yet men want to be good in bed. They want to give pleasure to their partners. Satisfying their women is a matter of pride for men. Hunters of love, being a good lover is a big factor in making a woman fall for you. What's a man to do?

No Two Sexualities Are Alike, as No Two Snowflakes Are Alike

We have varying tastes in food, movies, books, hobbies, and vacation spots. In fact, we extol our unique choices in cuisine and cultural preferences. Yet almost everybody is hesitant to tell their partner precisely what he or she would like in bed. Every month, magazines print sweeping generalizations about what "every" man wants or what "every" woman responds to. But not every woman craves having her man weave a rose into her pubic hair. Not every man thrills to finding his woman, naked and wrapped in Saran Wrap, hiding behind the bedroom door. Our sexuality is as individual as our thumbprint. General advice on how to be a good lover might work for the proverbial everyman or everywoman. But you are not everyman or everywoman. Your Quarry is not everyman or everywoman. You are in bed with one unique individual, and to make that person fall sexually in love with you, you must throw back the sheets and uncover his or her very special desires. The Hunter who determines what the bashful child cowering inside his beautiful, sophisticated Quarry really wants will beat out all the competition. The Huntress who, like Mata Hari, extracts the deepest sexual secrets from her handsome, urbane Quarry will have found the key to his heart. Does this sound like we're taking a trip down the back alleys of sex? Not at all. We're talking Main Street, USA, here. We're talking about, if not what goes on behind our neighbors' locked bedroom doors, then what they wish were going on. That leaves as many possibilities as there are men and women in the world. Some like it tough, some like it tender. Some like it raucous, some like it refined. Some like it crude, some like it considerate. The variety of desires that fall within the range of absolute utter consummate normal is astounding. Visions of movie stars, our lover's best friends, twosomes, threesomes-foursomes-moresomes, dominatrixes, handsome rapists, and even an occasional German shepherd normally enter normal people's normal fantasies. I came upon this awareness quite by accident back in the 1970s when I founded The Project. The Project was a New York State not-for-profit corporation created for the purpose of collecting data on people's sexual desires. Over a period of ten years, my colleagues and I examined data from men and women from every walk of life. Because of the unique method of gathering and disseminating information (not through questionnaires, but by having people send us detailed letters and then presenting the findings through psychodrama), many people who wouldn't ordinarily take part in surveys participated in The Project. We made presentations to organizations such as the American Society of Sex Educators, Counsellors, and Therapists, and the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex. Major media like Time magazine, Psychology Today, the London Times, and the major televisionnetworks praised our work. Because this unsought publicity emphasized the high principles and confidentiality of The Project, more and more people felt comfortable revealing their deepest desires to us. Thousands of letters flowed into The Project, each detailing the sexual attitudes and assets the authors would like to have in an ideal partner.
How Do Men's and Women's Sexual Desires Differ? How did men's and women's sexual desires differ? Vastly, when it came to their sexual fantasies, and even more vastly in what role they wanted their partners to play in their fantasies. Essentially, men's fantasies were more extreme and diverse than women's were. Their desires were tied more to specific acts and attitudes. Their fantasies were less connected to the personalities and emotions of their partner. Often men's fantasies involved control, one partner over the other. One of our more intriguing findings was that men can suspend reality during the sex act and get off more on playacting than women can. (Huntresses, this peculiarity will come into play when we share specific techniques to get a man to fall in love with you.) Women's sexual fantasies, in contrast to men's, were more complicated. Often they were tied to a partner (not necessarily the one they were in bed with) and emphasized the relationship between the people in the fantasy. A woman's erotic dreams involved her partner's feelings and her own physical and emotional responses to what was going on. Unlike in men's fantasies, the mood and the ambience of the encounter played a bigger role for women. Unlike men, women had less desire to share their fantasies with their partner. (Hunters, pay attention: Steamy emotions and love entered a woman's fantasies far more often than a man's.) Why Are Men's and Women's Fantasies So Different? Why do women connect love and sex more closely than men do? Anthropologists explain it in genetic terms. The female must fight to keep the family together so offspring can grow up well-fed and well-protected. Sexologists explain it experientially. Like our personalities, our sexual persona and desires are formed in childhood, especially in the formative years between five and eight. During these years, little girls experience more affection than little Page 236 boys. Mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, and even Mommy's and Daddy's friends all cuddle and kiss little girls. Little girls sit on Daddy's lap and hug him more than little boys do. It is natural that a girl might have her first erotic feelings while being cuddled. Little boys are not cuddled and kissed as much. They experience affection in a different way—maybe a pat on the back or a playful "Hiya, buddy" punch on the shoulder. That expresses love to little boys. Little boys even learn to shun affection and kisses in public. Recently I was walking past a city grade school about eight o'clock in the morning. A mother came up to the school with two children about seven or eight years old. She was holding her daughter's hand, and her son was bounding ahead of them. At the front door of the school, she bent down and gave her daughter a kiss and a big hug. The little girl threw her arms around her mother's neck and said, "Bye-bye, Mommy. See you later," and went bouncing into the school. The mother then bent over her son to do the same. The little boy stiffened and put his hands up to shield his face: "Mother, pul-eeze don't kiss me while everybody is watching." The mother laughed and said, "OK, buddy. Put up your dukes." They had a playful boxing match for a few seconds before the boy trounced happily along after his sister into the school. Little girls, when playing together, touch each other a lot. They braid each other's hair or put their arms around each other when they are afraid. Male friends are more apt to wrestle or "shoot" each other in a game of cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. Is it any wonder, then, that girls grow up connecting love with kisses and cuddles, and boys grow up connecting love with a little rough play or power games? Yet More Differences The most striking difference between men and women, however, as illustrated by the letters The Project received, is not in their actual fantasies but in what men and women want to do with their sexual fantasies. It is curious to note that men's and women's fantasy desires were in direct contrast to their real-life stereotypes. In day-to-day matters, a woman usually likes to share sensitive information and a man prefers to keep his thoughts to himself. However, in sex, many men want to share their sexual fantasies with a woman. Some even have a compelling desire to playact them out with her.
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How to Use Differences to Make Your Quarry Fall in Love with You Huntresses, men connect sex and ego very tightly, much more so than women do. Men's real-world thoughts ("What's going on in this relationship? Where will it go? How do I feel about my partner? How does she feel about me?") all interfere with desire—read potency. Therefore, many men have learned to suspend reality during the sex act. If what is actually going on in bed is not hot enough to keep them hard, they let their imaginations do the job. Men can perform better when they forget about the complexities of their relationship with you and give their imagination and their bodies 100 percent to raw sex. Since a man is more potent with a woman who shares his sexual attitude and his fantasies, he is more apt to fall in love with her. Huntresses, here's the plan. First we need to explore raw sex. Then, afterward, I give you a technique to excavate your Quarry's core fantasies. Finally we explore ways to manipulate those fantasies to make him fall in love with you. Now, Hunters, concerning technique, women love you harder when you give them fireworks with their sex, but they are hesitant to tell you how to do it better for fear of hurting your ego. Concerning their fantasies, women are more content enjoying them in the privacy of their own minds. Also, when it comes to choosing a lifetime partner, a woman is more sus- Page 238 ceptible to falling in love with—and getting hot over—a man who fulfills her relationship fantasies as well. The two, technique and relationship, put together add up to steamy sensuality. Hunters, here's the plan. In this section, you will find hot guidance in the "how-to" department and techniques to excavate your Quarry's relationship fantasies. Mix the two so you can give your woman the steamy sensuality she craves. Even though everyone's sexuality is as personalized as a thumbprint, there are basic gender differences in how men and women look at sex. Before we aim the telescope at your Quarry's one-of-a-kind sexual needs, let us gaze at the universe of similarities. The following chapter includes some generalizations, to be sure, but we need a solid foundation of basic sexual gender differences before we can get a good footing to explore the unique terrain of our particular Quarry's desires.

Your Quarry's Hottest Erogenous Zone

Years ago, whenever you got your nervous little preteen hands on a sexy novel, did you furtively flip pages to find the dirty parts? If so, you're in good company. You, I, and a hundred million other curious prepubescent kids deciphered the same passages. Well, tell any little kids lurking around your family bookcase, ''Here it is. Here's the dirty part of How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You.'' This is the section where they'll read about stroking, massaging, and penetrating a man's and woman's hottest erogenous zone. They'll learn about all the creases and folds of the human body's most erotic organ. They'll find out how grownups really turn each other on. However, you'd better warn the randy little tykes that they're in for a disappointment, because we're going to make relatively little mention of genitals in this section. To make someone fall in love with you, far more crucial than knowing how to stroke his penis or draw circles with your middle finger around her clitoris is kneading and massaging your Quarry's most erogenous zone of all—the brain. When you've mastered manipulation of that organ, you'll have a magic key to make him or her fall in love with you. Let me say at the onset that the powerful methods I suggest here do not lead you to a lifetime of your own sexual satisfaction with your mate. The techniques presented here are for giving your partner ultimate sexual euphoria, thus making him or her fall in love with you. That, after all, is the promise of this book.